His dream is to make me smile.

28/09/2006

i am driving myself mad, my parents do drive me mad as well, sometimes. i remembered once, they said, "eh ni hen relax hor?" in chinese, and on that day i studied 8 hrs, i was infuriated by their words! like WTH. how insensitive our parents can get? hope you understand where i am coming from? UGH SICK LAH. they only see me relaxing? WTH! and this pressure is driving me insane! the temptaion of using the F word keeps coming! and i plan not to use it. will not let curse and praise come out of the same mouth!

someone helpe me man! like WTH. when i talk to GOD, i ask him about 6points, nothing much more beyond that? can you imagine you are talkig to GOD only aobut studies? not anymore about family, friends, cell, i have seem so absorbed in stuying till i shut off my mind from everythig else? this is so unfair! this is mentally crippling... argh!!! screams....

and you know what>? think my mum is total ridiculous? i once said goign to cousin house to study? then she felt that i was actually studying> like WTH again. must i tell you that i am going out to study then it would register in your head that i am studying? then fatehr ask so how s it going? then i say i studied 8hrs today...then he comes up with some theory is not how much you study and all that crap! like WTH again, cant you give me some nice words to listen, like great! keep it up, take a break... you did well, but instead its not how much you study that matter? true lahz. but PLS LAH SAY this kind of bullshit at the right time? not after i stepped out of my room from 8 hrs of studying> like you make me feel i am not going to make it! SHIT MAN. this people kill you mentally?!!! hate it so much!

and my mum. she keep saying i am very relax? LIKE WTH!!! get lost lah mum! i am so mad right now. i sit in front of the com for like 1 hr each day for two consecutive days. when i like just finished prelims two days ago, and you want me to start studying again! and now you say i am relaxed? like GET LOST. you are such an annoyance! i want to relax also cannot? i will die one day cause of you! URGH! wait till i break down in depression then your would stop right?!? GET LOST LAH! leave me alone.

and they keep saying that i think too highly of myself! like WHAT, i do not think highly of myself. in fact i doubt my abilities, even if i am able to do it. i appear to think highly of myself because i must motivate myself, must tell myself i can do it! like your dont understand me at all. SO GET LOST!!! and now you come into the picture making me feel like a failure. its this kind of parents that produce kids who grow up as failures. they think they are a failure therefore they are one! i know that mental barrier, and will not succumb to it. but you can try not to place that mental barrier there in the first place? thank you.!!!
why are you so worried?!? i am worried as well! and you make me feel like some idiot by worrying more and adding pressure on me.! SHIT lah. feeling so tired now...

my prelims totally suck!?! like ahz.. and the results you received in turn will haunt you! like this is the fate i will land up! perspective can be killing, cripple your potentail, and steal your destiny! the results i have is pretty far from what i have hoped for. and i have to constantly remind myself let not my past failuers hinder me from future achievements. and the promises i make. i have to keep them, because these are the people i love. and it just add pressure again? cause you are mentally doubtful if you can reach your destination, what happen if you slip, falter, make a mistake, am careless? and you can sob all you want because you lost your destination. I HATE YOU CAMBRIDGE PPL, MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE, YOU WHY CANT YOU GET OUT OF MY LIFE? WHY SET O LVLS>? and i am labelled by a piece of paper. my abilities is determined by some stupid cert! my future is sealed by a digit? WTH! and you can carry on with life thinking, " SHIT, i just cant make it!" this is mentally killing!

k, its been lots of depressing words in this post so far. hopefully none would read this, and feel my pain. i write this down in order to get rid of it. and move on. and for those unfortunate ones who happen to read this post, i will try to inspire you in my next section.

been thinking so much abou studying, till i conclude many conclusions. cant remeber all though but here are a few.

firstly if you tell yourself you cant make it, then you cant. its like if you tell yourself the ceiling is at this height, then it is, point is, you will eventually believe you are unable to do it, that that is your maximum potential. i dont beleive in that. your best is still when you reach the best. A1. you have a B3 cause you think you can only getB3. of course you have to do what is neccesary for taht A1 to come to pass, but firstly its the brain that will bring you there.
also, you have to turn a deaf ear upon negative thoughts and words. you have to keep in mind that it is possible...if you do not leave any possiblity for A1, then you have just close the door to your destination in A1. its mental resilience. you cannot be affected by your present result, because if you are, then you have just fall into a belief that you cant do it, thus not unleashing your maximum potential, in short minimising your potential.

AH whatever lah. LIFE sucks, thats why we need GOD. (one of the reasons why we need him)

and pls dont go around rebelling your parents, though this sounds like it contradicts with my previous section of the post, but dont do so, cause if you rebel against them, you have just undermined the shelter over your head, the comfort you seek in times of need, they are your parents and nothing changes that. no one else can be your parent. so you have to accept it. point is its wrong to rebel agianst them, cause its like you demolish the house you are staying in, because ultimately they are the one that provide the warmth and love you need.
but again, its not wrong to be angry at them, but mind your actions! we all have emotions, you might need to voice it out at times...GOD save me from this mental torment...

Scintillate, Sparkle, Shine