I wish i can just shut up, create a filter in my brain.
Throw away all the problems i have. Delete them.
I dont mind having someone's 'ability' now.
I wish readers will not know about me.
I wish i can eat the blood that is spilling out of my mouth.

But Hell...i cant.


I tried being an introvert, didnt work. Going to try again. But i cant eat my blood and filter thoughts, because by eating the blood you recall those problems.

Sick.

I saw my parents quarreled.
The words stick so hard. It sticks hard because i think about it in my life.
Oh... insensitivity only amplified the effect. Guess it happens all the time. Yes for me too.
I am starting to see the fragility of life.
Where no image in your brain is ever real.
Is ever true.

I totally agree with my thinking now. We are all deceived and living in lies.
The only truth that is undebatable is the bible.


For those who run away from facing reality, you are facing one by running away.
The truth is you cant escape, even if you try to. So might as well face it, AND EAT THE PAIN.

What a horrible night. Thank you.
Various reasons. It just gotten worse.

Never knew talking can be so painful.
Simple response - stop talking.

I think the gay debate itself is gay.
Like, i am pretty sure gays will be allowed, just when.
My guess, is the government has made up their mind even before letting the debate take place, the existance of the debate is to let us have some freedom of speech, but yet limiting it.
Gay - debate.

I am already thinking of next year, i dont mind going to school now.
I am sleepy.

Things are just different here.
The people too.
I am getting more ocmfortable too.

I wonder how many people can say they are crazy over Jesus.
I said that once.
I stop saying.

I have many thoughts...




This is a must watch video! It talks about education, and creativity. I strongly encourage every individual who undergoes education to watch this video. It makes you rethink. And yes he is funny. So do watch!

I think i lack affection. Gosh. I am having so much of it, and i think i am lacking.

Simply because i expect more, and you get lesser than what you expected, thus feeling a lack of what you expect.

I guess i do look at wrong places. I guess i wish certain things would have turn out the way i wish and want. And yes i guess i am still pretty much hurting.

I cant comprehend why is it so hard to focus on God and ask love from him? When actually it isnt that difficult...
HMMM...Hidden meanings

If you have realised. I dont really blog about something that happened in my life. But yeah Os somehow just took so much of the last few posts.

Do note, this post isnt anywhere near interesting, so i advice not to read this post. Because i post it more for myself than for you readers.

I am thrown off guard. I am flustered. I cant do anything now. I wish i can just blurt out everything. I guess i am doing it here. I still have things i can mug. But i choose not to anymore. I lost it. I really hope i dont go inside the hall and not feel like sitting for the paper. How annoying.

Listening to angels and airwaves now - do it for me now.

Shall continue entertaining myself.
I wish i dont have to go through this annoying phase again. I know its just two papers. But having to face up with the fear of failure. The whole process of doing it again. Its just annoying. Yes i prefer to run away. But i grow to realise, you cant. Its everywhere. You have to eventually face up to it. You have to break out of the conventions. I see so many math genius, none of them stick to the textbook. They explored by themselves. Guess their road is lonely as well. I mean how many people would understand the process of doing what they did, of breaking out of the conventions. Yes i found out more about golden ratio. About fibannci numbers. About Hebrew alphabets are actually assigned a number. And how it adds together to show concepts. Math is so much more interesting and alive when its online than when its on textbooks. Textbooks are like a series of steps to help you get what you want. But math online is concepts, arbitrary, not defined at the same time it is. With little art and at times with such artistic values in the ideas presented.

Whee. Math paper.

Gosh, just realised, the past 5 posts. 4 starts off with alright, one starts off with gosh. Whee!

Alright i have mixed feelings. I remember how it feels like sitting for your first O level paper.
And slowly the subsequent papers will just lose that anxious spell. That anxiety. To the point it doesnt bother you anymore when its like the last paper? Ya, the last paper you would be thinking what to do after your last paper. What to eat. Where to go. Who to go out with. When you finish the last paper, you will have Post O level syndrome. For most, they will go back home to their study table to find out that they need not study any more. Some gather for a bond fire.
But the first paper, is like getting married at 16, alright no... thats exaggeration. But yeah...the feeling is kinda weird. I think i have both. Went through Os already, going through it again would definitely be different.

When i sat for Os last year, was wondering why were there people in outside clothes. Found out and start despising them. No wonder God says dont despise, you never know you end up like one of them. And i would like to think that they arent that dumb all together. But sometimes just by reading their body language as they sit for the paper you can tell whether they study or not. Or if they really understand what they studied. But pretty sure they will beat you on the streets. Guess i have a pretty fair balance.

Sometimes i feel like learning social engineering, but we all know its wrong. But i think its cool. Oh social engineering is something your school doesnt teach you, and if you know how to use it, you can trump on the streets. You can have a degree and a social engineer has the potential to manipulate you...that is the power of social engineering.

Alright, trying to find my way to get to the school. Duneran secondary. I think i will just reach around 2.10. Dont really like going to a school with no one accompanying me. And so far i only know its near bukit batok mrt station. What bus...i dont know.


O level does change people's life and perspectives.

Been there done that.

Alright, conclusion of taking Os the second time. No stress at all.
Gosh la...like seriously, i dont even really bother about sleeping early.
By the way, i cant really sleep, because i am not exhausted. Going out to skate might help the process.
I am a person that cant sleep at will. Ya.

And yes many people would not feel the way i feel now. Going to sit for a paper with no uniform. And in a school thats not my own. Sitting beside people who i only know are human beings. Seriously no pressure at all. Like minimal.

My friend is right, you sit once for O levels, and you dont feel like sitting for it again.

He is so right. So so right.

Alright, confidence for amaths has risen. Because i covered more stuff.
I just need to be careful man. Like sometimes got some really stupid mistakes la. And there goes my entire question.
Think tmr when i do the paper, gonna spam the papers. Like write huge and slow. Whee...
Accuracy is my partner now. I hope i have enough time to finish the paper. Because i never did an entire paper and time myself. I always have sufficient time, because i used to finishe the paper in 45 mins?

I am left with stupid vectors and Circular measure. yupz. PnC should be fine la.
My trigo is pretty screwed, but salvation is at hand if i know what to do with the question.
Integration is a mess. But i roughly know the steps, okay quite well versed with the steps, so if the steps are carried out nicely, i have a chance of gaining all those marks. Kinematics can be fun. Log, identities, indices, functions, sets, coordinate geometry and chapters where i must score, erm kinda like give away. Yupz. Oh differentiation also. Yup. Lets hope my rates of changes can pull off. Yeah i can la. I used to do pretty okay in this chapter.

Oh, i hope O levels students continue remaining sane, Jolynn you are perfectly fine. Os drive people crazy, so dont worry too much.
And i hope you all continue finding your direction, better still have a direction right after your Os, to be in my shoes aint very nice. Yupz.

You will see how much Os change your life.

And i want to end the year with a smile. With warmth. With sugar.
After Os = Fun. Exploration. Cell members. Camp. And most importantly prepare for next year.

Still i remember my wishes. And i wish they come true.

Gosh, i need more motivation for math man. Never knew being a private candidate is so relaxing. Like no pressure. Just take it easy. Hmm...dont really care for that A1 already. With the given effort, i can get A1, i think everyone else get A0. But i want to have that confidence.

That confidence where you know you are sitting for the paper to give correct answers and solutions. That you are right, the marker cannot wrong you. Yeah thats the kind of mindset i want to have while i sit for the paper. So i dont want to mug till i hate seeing math and dread for the paper. I guess tomorrow while sitting for the paper, FOR ONCE, go inside with an ownage mindset. Like seriously, every time i sit for amath paper, i just tell myself you pass the paper you jump for joy. I didnt even aim well la. Getting a B3 to me then was equivalent to fasting for 40 days, getting an A1 was asking Jesus to come again. Alright hyperboles, but yeah you get my point.

So we will see man. I have the following stuff i wish to see myself cover...
Integration. Vectors. Rates of changes. Binomial theorem. PnC. A little of kinematics. And thats about it. Oh actually that sounds like 1/3 of the entire syllabus. Lol. No la just need more confidence on those topics.

I would say, i didnt prepare myself well this time. Like i thought two weeks can chiong finish. But i find my brain exploding because of math.
One day i mugged at airport. And i CAN EVEN FORGET ABOUT CHAIN RULE! Like apply wrongly. How embarrassing. My second strongest chapter, and yet can apply the first rule wrongly. Like, your brain is exploding!

Oh first strongest chapter = Functions. Second = differentiation + coordinate geometry + sets + a few other stuff. Third = random chapters already. Fourth = lets just go in with the mindset you can do the question and still get an answer that looks decent. Yupz.
Oh, my identities look pretty encouraging =)
Trigo, will be base purely on manipulation.

And yes dreadful circles. Which i forgot that i want to cover as well, how i wish to throw it out of the paper.

Alright mum nagged. GOTTA MUG! Whee.

Alright here are some math videos.
Watched and found some really cool math videos. Just to stir up some interest for my math paper tmr.



This reminds me of sets. This is a long video. So yeah. Not knot part 1
Rubik's world record. Single hand.
I saw this concept before. But this video is a lot more cooler!
20/20 Human calculator. This shall open your eyes!
Lol. New math. Interesting.
A new way to look at math. And yes math can be really interesting. Divide by zero.


Some videos are quite complex. But its good stuff. Yupz. A new way to look at math.

A piece of ham hit my head.
I thought about it while i was bathing. I guess Lexi is right. The young ones kinda respect me more than the other leaders. ALRIGHT, hang on now. Not getting prideful here or what. But my point is that...i am glad i am kinda making that difference in their lives? That they see that i care la. Yup, never really give thought about it. I am glad my effort is paying off =) That my labour is bearing fruit.

A month ago, i realised the significance of a helper in my cell. Without the helper, the cell will more or less die. Which i think is kinda true. Not stealing credit again, but from my point of view, i think i am helping the cell leaders lead cell. They haven really been around due to studies, i totally understand, but yeah i realised that i am dying as well. One person trying to shoulder on about 20 members is call... killer! I dont blame them at all. I see how one by one die off. I cant really die, because if i do, there is no more backup.
I sometimes literally feel like i am leading the whole cell. As in i may not do word. Word hasnt really been solid either, not blaming again, but yeah...i have been trying to get admin done. Calling up members where other leaders have no time to call. As in the list goes on, and it makes me feel like i am just leading the whole cell by myself man. Haha. But yup. Gotta help right?

Oh, was kinda disappointed in cell and everything over the past two days. Actually since i kinda step into pasir ris. I dont know why, but i really feel belonged in pasir ris? Not as on fire as i was in seng keng, lost a lot of fire anyway, but yeah...I guess i can say i love my cell, even though i am disappointed and upset at times. Yes they do fail my expectations, but to begin with cell isnt about fulfilling your leaders expectations.
Oh, today's sermon, was kinda glad the young ones were trying to pay attention. They didnt make a lot of noise. Even though was really dry to them, but yeah i can see that they are more engaged =) Guess my consistency in asking them to pay attention paid off. Yes over many many weeks, i kept telling them to keep their handphones, stop drawing, pay attention to sermon, keep quiet. Guess its better now. Sometimes i wonder if i am doing the right thing? Am i doing it the right way? But i remember Randolf said, gotta take owndership of your authority. Like yeah if you think someone is making a lot of noise, ask him to get out. Dont hesitate. So yeah. Oh i really hope to see more improvement? I dont know. My tolerance in cell level is dropping. Pretty fast. So yeah.

I found new joy and strength to run on. Really thank God for using Alexi to bless me in terms of ministry perspective and kingdom like mindedness. And of course as a friend =)
I hereby, commit myself again, to invest, spend, try to meet up as many following members as possible.

Joel, Brendan, Ming yew, Dominic, Gabriel, Jerahmeel, and Benedict. Plus Eileen, and Chanelle. Now and then would drop by a call. And call back that Jordan. Think he left behind Jordan river. Alright all jokes are not spas, they are just sponge.
Think Jolynn quite poor thing, one girl show. Plus a Charmaine to cheer her on! Of course help as well.

Charmaine came to the rescue!!! Yay, and today kinda happy that i didnt go cell, as in i need that breather la.


Oh, in last months acc letter. I mentioned about cell. And my heartbeat for the young ones under my care. How i want to see them grow up. How i want to see them graduate. I am perfectly fine with not getting new sheep. As in to me, i rather stick with a few and spend 4 years investing into their lives than keep changing sheep. Yupz. So i want to see them grow up and out of pasir ris. Making a difference in their lives.

My first heartbeat for leadership. No my first heartbeat in leadership, and for my sheep.

Alright. Tired. But thanks to Alexi and jonathan Oh...Especially alexi. Came in at the right time! Saved my day. Was actually very tired of cell any everything. And Alexi was there to listen. Jonathan to. So yup thanks guys! I wonder if they read my blog though. Lol. But its kinda scary to find out who reads my blog. People i dont expect.

Alright, i think all readers alike. Would be and are very interested to know the relationship between me and my brother. So this is one of the really rare posts you guys get a visit in my brain on the aspect of family. I guess i am lucky after all. I am starting to love my family more. But i find things so hard man. I wonder if my brother will read this. I wonder if any readers out there are going to let him in on this. But yeah kenneth i kinda gave some thought to what you said to me. And chats with Evelyn was super interesting. I think tk girls really have cheryl tan language. Where things are just arbitrary, and terms like he, she, you know, it, are used. So other people would have no idea what was discussed. Okay thats not relevant.

Oh, kenneth never thank you did i? Got to know you alot more better over lunch. Like alot. Yupz. But yeah thanks for hot milo plus spending time with me over lunch. I know how it feels leading a cell like ours. Not implying anything, but i kinda understand how you feel, so yeah sometimes i come to cell because of that reason. Kinda wrong, but yeah, sometimes its really tiring to make sure everything is right isnt it? I guess the right thing to do at all times is to listen to God. My brother yeah...

Alright, first we talk in Chinese. Stunned? I dont know you, but yeah, its been like that since young, so say hello to Chinese families. Common questions between us, what time are you sleeping? Mum and dad fetching, how? Do you want to use the computer? What time are you waking up? All done in chinese. Alright, thats more or less what i can muster. And he is kinda standing behind me now. Loll.

I guess my brother loves me. No he does. Pretty sure of it. But i wonder if he know how to really love me the way i wish he could. And he is killing a croakcroach now. A small one. He buys stuff for me, clothes. Erm for your info, the Nike brown shirt is from him. The Uber huge white pants is from him too. With quiksilver printed acorss my butt. He bought other shirts for me too, but sorry, not really in the body shape to wear them. Loll. He bought me slippers too. He just picked up the guitar!

But i wish we could just talk. How awkward loh, like i struggle to find what to talk to him about? Oh, we can sit on the train for an hour and exchange less than two lines? Like first line...from me, are you tireD? Yeah. When we are about to alight...one of us will gesture to the other to get off the train. Alright. We listen to Ipod, and not each other. But my brother do give me some pretty good advice here and there. He told our family once. What his lecturer told him. Close friends should know this.

Everyone has their mountain to climb, like corporate ladders, but make sure you dont climb to the top of the mountain, and realise that YOU CLIMBED THE WRONG MOUNTAIN! I thought that was a very thought provoking illustration.

Here are other stuff about him...he used to be a cross country runner...his best timing, 17mins for 5 km. Any girl out there chasing him. Yeah you know, you gotta run faster than him.
I wanted to say something embarrassing about him, but nope, this is my brother. Heh! =)
Oh yes, just like you, i wonder who he likes, why doesnt he have a girlfriend now, guess its ministry, plus other personal stuff. And yes i would very much like to know who would be my sister in law. Lol.
Oh his english name is Jenson.

So far i am feeling quite spas from all the info i am telling you.

I remember shu yin told me, that it was very cute, when my brother decided to pray for me in outer limits camp. And yes its one of the few times i cried. I hope i can cry in front of him again. I dont mind. Its been really long since i cried. I wonder if thats the last time i cried when someone prayed for me. I think last year when Pastor Joyce prayed for me, fortified, first night, and my right side of my upper neck is like palpiutating, no idea why. Oh i counted the tear. Yes tear, was hoping for more tears though. I guess i am too numbed.

I wish we could talk more. But he is my elder brother. He should take the initiative shouldnt he? Oh, anyone out there thinking its just age gap, i dissent! Like seriously, i dont believe in age gap, like what PJ said...
To me age gap, happens when you think its there. If age gap exist, than how about your love for your grandparents? You call that all fake? All age gap? So yeah, no such thing as age gap. Love exist across all ages and all boundaries. The issue is just where does it grow, and on what grounds, and age, yes do affect.

Alright, my shoutout to him? I love you kor! Thanks for all the treats you gave me last time. I do remember them. Guess i took it for granted then, but i dont now. Yeah.
Oh, do talk to me more.

And i am feeling super weird. Like the whole world knows my inside life with my brother now. All megalifers with sibilings in megalife too, do post something? Join me in sibiling appreciation movement! =)
We are one big family!!! So yeah. Okay no logic and link.


Oh, and i found a composition of chemical matters super beautiful today! Like extremely! Beyond the moon and stars, and trumping all the monkeys and pigs, obviously. And i cant take my eyes off it. Yup =)

Gosh. Prayer meeting was so horrid. I seriously think i should stop going prayer meetings all together. Honestly. No one should judge me till you understand how i feel.

I dont mean to be insensitive. But i think alot of people reading this wont know how i feel. Especially the traveling. Only for those in Uni have a better idea how it feels.
First. I got no cell members, the very reason i went for prayer meeting. What a letdown.
But its about God la.
Second. Super tired to begin with.
Third. Was asking me to pray for things i need prayer for. Like vision 500. I will be one of those who have forgotten and kind of given up on the vision all together. Too tired to run on. Just keeping myself running is an achievement all together already.
Fourth. My thoughts are many. I can even literally think and worship at the same time.
Fifth. Super fed up with my brother. As in what he did will just naturally make me fed up la. But cant blame him as well la. Like...he can stay overnight and i cant. Like walau man!!! Super unjustified.
Sixth. The sad thing that made everything worse, was that those who i voice out my pain, they themselves dont understand how i feel. Not blaming them, but dont you think so it kinda makes it worse at the same time a bit better.
The list goes on. Thanks for listening to me. The list was a lot more longer than this.

I walked out of church with a mentality that i hate going to church. When it was supposed to be the other way round. I went in with a moderately light heart, came out near to tears. And i honestly dont mind disappearing from church for a few weeks. But why cant i? Cause i am a leader. No, a helper right? Yeah i need help myself. I feel like going away and get some air before i come back. But the other leaders are dying, i leave now everything just get wash away. Honestly not thinking much about what i am saying now.
And scary it may seem that i am saying this. But cell members, honestly you guys should encourage your leaders. Because we are much more tired than you all. Try taking care of 4 sheep, taking care of your own problems, your friends problems, plus school, family, cell, all together. Gosh. Really, i am not saying this for myself only, i see other leaders dying as well. So really cell members do encourage your leaders. PJ and staff team as well. Of course our AOs.
Not being insensitive, but my mind is too tired to even spare a thought on how people feel already. My thoughts are without feelings now, so if it hurts, try not to hurt, cause its not given thought.

And members, please do cooperate with your leaders. This is from my heart, i honestly dont mind walking out on the cell at times. When people just rebel and give you attitude. Keep screaming and gosh...like really la. Leaders are humans as well. Gotta start sparing a thought for others man. Like please la. cooperate with your leaders and make the whole cell enjoyable right? Oh...members, most leaders i would say, hates it when they sms you and ask you to reply, and you dont. Its one of the most irritating members can do to a leader. Its like our smses just wasted man. I know i sound like i am complaining. But honestly, somethings gotta change.
Oh when you do reply, it makes me smile.

I dont mind shutting down all my thoughts, and feelings. So i just carry on life without my hypothalamus working.

Usually, i think, then i feel about what i thought, then i think about my feelings on my thoughts.
I am skipping step two. So i think, and then think about what i thought.

Brain without feelings.

Paper has two sides. But which one is the right side? Or to begin with is there a left side?
So isnt both sides the same? But yet the sides dont change? So, one side remains as it is. Therefore, each side is assigned specifically, but yet they can be mistaken.
Does not a paper look the same on both side.
A paper is said to have two sides...but here...we find out we address a piece of paper, yes simply, a piece of paper. A piece of paper, with two sides.
People has two sides, but do you really agree to that statement? Isnt the same person, only one side? And that one side has two sides? Contradicting is it? So in that one person, there is one side. In that side itself, it has this function which allows two sides to take place on linear conditions. So only at one point of time one side is in function. Therefore we have concluded its fine to have two sides, its perfectly normal, because in the end, its still one side.
Which side is it now?

A piece of paper, yet with two sides. No, initially, it was... a piece of paper, has two sides. And after thought, the words yet is added.


Inspired by someone.

A game called bluff.
Now now, who is speaking the truth? Would it all be a lie? Would it all be real? Arent i real? Or am i a lie?
Its just a game isnt it? Is it real? If i choose to be real, would i not still be a lie later because after the game, everything is real isnt it? And me being a lie is real isnt it? Or to begin with, not knowing who i am, is a lie itself isnt it? Or both real and lie is mixed. Or was it, are?
Really a lie. Lie about whats real.
But if i am a lie in the game, would i not all be real together when i am out of the game? Because the game to begin with is bluff, its all about deceit, and lies isnt it? So finishing the game equates to ending the lies isnt it? And then it becomes real, isnt it?

Ask yourself, whats real, and whats a lie? Was it truth, or was it deceit?

Why cant i choose to be a lie in the game, and yet posses qualities that are real? That before the decision was made in the game, i could choose to be a real yet conformed by its deceitful nature, i choose to be a lie. So does the decision speak everything? Does not the thoughts that linger behind the decision have a say in the qualities stored?
So where are the other thoughts hidden. If they are processed they would have been recorded down somewhere. Look into the eyes. Look behind the mask. Do you see real, or lie. Look at the language spoken through the body. Is it real or bluff? Its written everywhere. Real is confidence, lie is unsure. Real is certain, lies are uncertain.

Where dose your conviction hold?

But the next question is. What you think is real, is it really real? What you think is a lie, is it really a lie? What you are computing now, is it mixed? Why cant we find lies in real, and real in lies? So which side are you on? Was a there a side to begin?


I like what i just written =)
For those who dont comprehend fully, its okay, neither do i? Because i dont know what i just wrote was it real, or was it all together a lie? Is it is? Or was it was?

Dont forget time, changes lies to real, and real to lies. Or you can just end the game all together cant you? No you cant, a choice have to be made.

Conform. Or Concede.

To shoot across the skies. To ride on a star and look at the milk pour from the heavens. To see candies rain down from the skies. To hold a key to something valuable and precious. To find the door to the treasure hidden within. To keep in mind the place where it is stored. To remember the gift you are seeking. To prepare yourself for it all.

To embrace the meekness. To look at a crystal in all its beauty. To see the light shine through it and reflect and refract. To hold it in your hands and feel your lips arch upwards. To wipe away the dirt.

To be on the star. To be that star. That one and bright star. The star that outshines all other stars.

To be a runner. And yet sit when you have not completed the race. Cry out and place ash on your head. Tear up your clothes and stay in anguish. Screaming, Lord, Lord, why have you forgotten me? Do not turn your face away from me.

To be questioned, son when was the last time you talked to me? Son, son why have you forgotten me?

Shooting stars. Make a wish.
Thoughts that are left undeveloped. Questions with no answers.
Yeah, we all need something to hold us all, dont we?

But really, why questions with no answer? Option one, we are too afraid to face it. Option two, we dont want to face it. Yes its the same.

Jason mraz - Plane


My thoughts are taking on a scary direction. Hold me.

I have two options. Forget totally about maths, prepare for a B, or at worst a C.
Or i can mug myself to death. With my brain exploding in front of my face, with numerical symbols all over the place. White matter differentiating into grey.

I got a feeling i am taking option one. I will just do a few questions of each topic which i hate. And then face the test. I dont know. I am so...now. I dont want to go in with a heart and mind that is so discourage and bothered, disturbed. I need a break? I dont know...and how absurd... one of the things i want to do, is to skip church. For one week or two? Just disappear. Then return later. But what about responsibilities? At this point, you would think to yourself, would it have been better without being a leader?

Yeah maybe i have mood swings, how annoying, but its better to admit than not to.
I dont know myself. I am tired. And i wish i can just sit down, and stop running.
Wish i could have been there looking at the plates pile up. Taking those photos.
Let my mouth drop as i watch you eat on. I miss it...

What i think and feel seems so perfect, my plans seems so nicely mapped out. But i got a feeling everything is going down in crumbles. Like what happened today.

Why are my words so disjoint? Why doesnt it reflect anger? Hatred? I think i will write something not me...yeah taht would be interesting. But for...? Trying to be someone else, or something else, is never practical is it? Gosh of what rebellion i harbour.

Lets look for the stars again. I will be waiting.
Watch the sunset think of me...

And yes everything written is meant to be arbitrary. So readers will not know what happened instead how i feel. If you know, then i am telling you, you dont.

How horrifying, i forgot you for a few seconds, i dont want to lose those thoughts.
Memories that fades. Store them up please.
No memories dont vanish, they just settle down at the back of your head.

Option One...i might cry over my destiny later. I guess i keep crying over my destiny dont i?
Your destiny is your discomfort. - truth that cuts so deep. Yet the nerves were cut before the veins. So it doesnt hurt.

Like staring at an open wound and yet not feeling any pain.

Sigh, i wish i would have the whole house to myself...
Now i feel interrupted. But not suppose to put blame on others right?

Guess it was done in goodwill...
Shunned myself to my room at first to mug. But felt that would be too painful isnt it?
Feeling so unwanted and rejected?

Come on now...go mug. *** said gotta not let things get the better of you.

Its done, interrupted. Have to mug anywhere.

I am so going not do well for Os. I went for medical check up. Flashed myself. Got injection. I felt the pain. All through the injection. Draw out all the blood. Please store it somewhere safe. Store it somewhere i can find again.
My finger was cut for blood samples. It hurt as well. But it wasnt that painful.
The wound is still there. I still can see the needle mark. Like all open wounds, you are suppose to add pressure. But i guess this time i am CHOOSING to let the blood flow. Its a chioce isnt it? You know there is something called choice. I chose to preserve.
Preserve something that cannot be removed, forgotten, and taken away.


Before you called

Emo song saves the day.


If you go...I'll wait for you.
Now look whose holding on to that sentence.
How subjective isnt it?

God help me to mug. Really...with my thoughts differentiating at this rate - dx/dt , i wonder if i can mug at all. I really wish this wouldnt have happened now. I hope i wont have to walk out of the exam hall saying GG. I know focus and concentrate, but yeah it aint that easy. I know i tell others that as well, guess we all need some strength from each other to run on.

Yeah i feel lonely...feel so dumb saying this. But yes...like just walking alone.

Come on boy! Dont let this affect you, you gotta mug. Be strong. Your goal of 4 hours a day shall be executed. But God please, a little help here. Thanks alot.

hmmm...

Differentiate my thoughts. Intergrate my feelings.

I dont know what to say.
God i know you would do the talking. But i am not listening.

I guess thats what always happens.
Left clueless...

God am i that horrible? I am smiling at the thought of it.
Like really tell me about it...
No...get me to listen...



Sometimes you keep thinking what happened? Whose fault was it? How do you rectify it? How do you prevent it? All analytical skills performed and in operation. Yet, where are the feelings?

Left with more questions. God you're right, both in saying not to ask, and its okay you ask talk. God tell me. God make me listen!

I miss my name.

Alright my dad found this online.
Its called the Bible experience. I wonder if anyone knows about its existence.
Its an audio bible, featuring artists like smauel l. jackson, Denzel washington, jeffrey wreight. I mean this is good stuff.
Do check it out!
Oh gotta watch the making of it, they literally cry in certain chapters of the bible.

This time and age - Second place victory
It's breathtaking to think of you
And to learn that sometimes
The only way out is through
It's mind numbing
To think of yesterday
I'd run to you now if I could But things have changed
(I heard you say)
It's enlightening to think of the breeze
And to believe in things that we can't see
(So here we go) Let's show them how to live
Accept the pain
Always forgive
Watch the sun go down
Learn the sound of following
All that is complete
It's breathtaking to think of you
And to learn without faith
That the sky isn't as blue
It's mind numbing
To think of yesterday
We'll look towards the stars
And dream that we're airplanes
(I heard you say)
It's enlightening, think of the breeze
When you watch the sunset...Think of me

This time and age - We always rewind the best part
If you go i'll wait for you,
if you go i'll wait for you

[chorus]you wouldn't drive without a key you can't live if you don't bleed you try to run but theres no peace without me youwouldn't drive without a key and i miss you since you left me you try to run without me
if you go i'll wait for you, if you go i'll wait for you i know that you will wish i was there some day, some day, someway wishing i knew your every care some day, some day, some way[chorus]paint the wall your favorite shade of blue i hope all your dreams come true and i will be renew and i won't waste yourtime anymore finally put a lock on our closed door and you will not break through and we'll try to put smiles on our faceand see who is the quickest to replace our lost and broken love


Thats what i call Emo lyrics, okay in my opinion. Be warned that not all of the lyrics apply to my life. Yupz.
Something to brighten it all up.

Toby mac - Suddenly
She blew everything to pieces
He's there hanging on to Jesus
She broke everything about him down
He said he never saw it coming
Until the day she dropped the bomb
And she broke everything about him down
Sometimes there's nothing left but to believe

And suddenly all of it's behind you
And I'm here to remind you
That yesterday is gone so say goodbye
And suddenly the skies open above you
And someone really loves you
Now everything's alive ... everything's alive

She's there broken into pieces
But he swares he doesn't really see it
When she says that all of it was so unfair
But Hope road is just around the corner
It's one place there's never been a foreigner'
Cause God's love makes everybody welcome there
Sometimes there's nothing left but to believe
Sometimes it's in an instant
Sometimes we wait for years

But it comes down to the moment when faith eclipses fear
Your wandering is overThe other side is real
You've broken throughYour mountain moved
And mercy is revealed
His mercy is revealed, yeah

Yesterday is longGone ....And suddenly all of it's behind you
And I'm here to remind you
That yesterday is gone so wave goodbye
And finally the skies open around you
And love has truly found you
Now everything is alive
Everything's alive ... everything's alive

Sometimes there's nothing left but to believe

How absurd and yet interesting. Cynical.

We doubt our creator. We doubt a God who used his fingers to place the stars.
We doubt one who knows the numbers of hair on our head. 6 billion people. Thats a lot of numbers. We doubt one who turned five loaves and two fishes into food enough for five thousand.
We doubt one who composed atoms, and manage the galaxy.

Absurd isnt it? You point your finger, raise your fist towards someone who is the boss of the entire universe? Who are we? And yet God still say... be genuine, and at the same time, contrite, for i desire as such.

God knows what his doing.
Do you know what you are doing?
So why is your trust misplaced?

His thoughts For you! are more than the sand grains all added across the world.

Questions left unask says:I honestly keep seeing all the cracks.
Questions left unask says:And its getting on my nerves.
Questions left unask says:Which is a bad thing.
Charmy says:well
Questions left unask says:What a letdown for myself
Charmy says:are you serving God? Or are you expecting the ......... to "serve" you?
Questions left unask says:I wonder again.
Questions left unask says:I have no answer.
Questions left unask says:And i have a feeling my answer is in no link to the above question
Charmy says:just say your answer
Questions left unask says:i woul dsay its neither
Questions left unask says:I just see cracks and i find it disturbing.
Questions left unask says:That so many things justseem so...oh well...we live in an imperfect world.
Questions left unask says:How i wish we would just accept the cracks without having to go through all thischarmy says:you hvae to experience the crack to accept it
Charmy says:if you have never experienced it, there isnt even a chance to accept it
Questions left unask says:Why not? Simply set up a mental template that has already accepted it.

Like a software downloaded, find the crack, open it and use it.

charmy says:sometimes
Questions left unask says:And that i call it numbing
charmy says:it's not about what we think anymore lahz
charmy says:like thinking is good
charmy says:but dun end up becoming too negative and all?
charmy says:there is a lot to be unhappy about,
charmy says:but there is so much to be grateful for!
charmy says:and have a tender heart towards God

The human brain produces approximately 70,000 thoughts on an average day.

And yes one of my thoughts for the day is, how many times do we think in a day?


I've grown! I dont want to go through this year again, but if i can pick the days, Yes!!! I will really like to go through them again. Yupz.

Sometimes there's nothing left but to believe
And suddenly all of it's behind you
And I'm here to remind you
That yesterday is gone so say goodbye
And suddenly the skies open above you
And someone really loves you
Now everything's alive ... everything's alive


Run on

Of logic, of purpose.
In dissent, or to consent.
Dement, work the neurons again please.

Of definitions, and of denotations.
Of rebellions and of conventions.
Why denote the word correct as wrong, and the word wrong as correct?
Simply a set of letters, asigned with meanings. Things change.
So whats right whats wrong?


God bring that big torch
Shining truth of yours
Let me struggle
But i shall stay on
I shall be swept away by the truth
In blunt expressions, be broken

There is nothing wrong to sturggle. Just stay in the light, dont shun back into darkness.
And when your eyes has adjusted to the brightness, You will see yourself smiling.
I shall wait.

Bacteria.

Hmm...

This is what i call singing

Face the piano.
Whats your forte?
Sign the time.
With furious notes.

Run on, boy Run on!


Life may be annoying but you gotta run on boy!


Raising guns.
Taking aim.
Shoot and fire.
Down down down.


Gotta keep smiling boy!

Twisting ends.

Let the blood gush.
Let the knives cut.

Allow those thoughts to manifest.
To feed and be entertained.

Of simple questions.
Of trvial importance.
Left alone, left unnoticed.
Left in the cold, chilling in the dark

Place a smile, light a candle.
Run on, remember me.
Remeber my footprints.
My story, written in memories.
And by different writers.

For I have one last bar of chocolate.
The last chance to savour and taste.
The sweetness of this life.
My last night.

Chocolate stains imprinted on your hands. Written and smudge all across your face.
Like a child with such greed and selfish desires, shuffing down the rich cocoa down his throat.
Not giving a second thought, the consequences of his actions. That his actions would cause such a pretty face to turn so dirty.
Likewise, our selfish desires, are like our yearn for chocolate.
The imprints of our carnal cravings only leave prints wherever we go, whatever we touch. The hungry burning gaze that is seen in our eyes. Only speaks of undying wants. That its never enough.
Soon we will all find everything smudged with chocolate, eaten in selfish desires. Of undending self gratification. This is our actions. This is what make us who we are. Only Jesus has the cloth to wipe away the stains left on our face.

Chocolate stains that cant be washed away by water.
Only by Jesus

I think toby mac sounds nice. Another christian artist.
I am tired. Yes, you are right. Tired of many things, alright everything.
I am still finding smiles here and there.

C, you are right: i say to you rejoice, rejoice.

Its not about whether we can smile at our day, whether our day is good or not. BUT even in our bad days, we got to find the smiles. Yupz.

But i am running on.
As i keep being there, listsening, i got to find strength to give strength. Tonight i had 3 close friends bombaring me...not syaing they are demanding or what, but today wasnt a good day to listen to people. And i stayed on. God told me he was proud of me, that i did well.

Learnt that, its not whether you make the difference in someone's life, that should not be our focus and where our performance directly relates, but instead it should be on us obeying God. And yes i did obey God. And thats where God smiles. And draw strength and encouragement from that.

I am keeping my smile. I am running on. I am running with a smile on my face.
Running with freedom, not away from the bondages of life. Running with wind against my face. Running with out stretched arms. With chilling wind that makes me feel so cool. The frost that forms on the skin makes it all so natural.
Running with my eyes closed. But i know where i am running, because i am smiling!

Words i like to use this year

Keep my smile
Run on
Feel and flow
Wishing for wishes
Find your exit, for the door swings both ways


These are the few phrases i can remember...
The one that applies most now is...

RUN ON!

Heh! I found some browsers! I mean internet browsers. Yup!

Here are the few: Flock / Maxthon / Lively browser / Sxipper

Flock is one browser which allows lots of photo sharing, and when it comes to photo viewing, it totally owns! I never really used flock, but honestly, it has an edge.

Maxthon! I just downloaded it last night, i am still not very clear of its functions. But so far its awing me!!! Like there are screen captures. Its a personal browser, so you have particulars that you can fill up, like an account. It has this zoom function which allows you to zoom specificaly on the picture or something. You can use your mouse to give commands to the browser, as in you dont have to click, you just drag your mouse and draw certain images and wala thats it. It has skins!!! Add ons and plug ins.
Anyway all these browsers only exist after firefox. So yeah, i guess firefox saved the day!
IE totally stink now, since there are so many other browsers that i prefer. However I think Maxthon aint that stable, cause i had trouble getting in here. And it was only 6 tabs, while my firefox has about 10 tabs at one go.

Lively browser simply turned me down in 5 mins, i deleted the programme, then i got maxthon.

Sxipper, i have yet to check it out, but yeah lets hope its nice! Heh!

I wonder if i would switch browsers. But i honestly think maxthon has a chance in the market, the way everything is being laid out, it honestly looks more appealing than firefox, to me. Yeah. Its very personalised. Yupz!

Alright. Oh and i found a whole list of christian band music....


Here are some of my favourites, which i only knew its existance last night...

Nevertheless
Until June
Eleventyseven

Alright! Internet browsers! =)

Does it make a difference?

To those around me? Does it?
If it doesnt. Then forget it.

Forget it...
Used.

I like thursday...I mean the band. Okay i think. Lol...their music sound simple and cheap.
But the song; War all the time
Okay you know.



And i always think my writing, is made complex by simple words.
Like complex sugar.
So yeah maybe i can write after all.



Heh....



Pick the right lollipop.
Here s the analogy...
If a lollipop cost 60cents. And you only have 60 cents left. You have two chioces in mind. You can obviously only pick one. Do pick the lollipop that does not disappoint you. One that you wont regret. In reference to everyday life chioces, and decisions. We always have chioces, some big some small. Do pick the right lollipop.



God will tell you which one is the right lollipop.
Yupz.

Misplaced.
Not nice not being in a school. Unclassified.
Make myself smile...I am special. I do what i want to do, yet with no boudaries drawn, the amount of achievement achieved is so limited.

Found out the band...The Used...Wonder if i like them, but since i mentioned...yeah...I think i kinda like them...Oh there is plus 44 as well...Sorry little outdated on the music scene. And honestly i dont listsen to main stream music. Its been years since i switched on the radio.

Fav songs from
Plus 44: Make me smile
The used: The taste of ink

But honestly so far i only hear that song from The Used...
And i think their lyrics are emo, so is their music. Hope i dont turn into an emo boy.

I shall try web exploring. And too much of one thing kills it all. Enough of marketing for now. Progress...chapter 10 in 7 days. Oh thats page 300, abuot the size of a mini poster. Yeah...Bigger than A4 paper.

Amaths in 21 days. I hope i dont die. Someone grant salvation.
At this rate, I need a coffin and an undertaker.

In this sea of lonely...