Alright i just made an interesting discovery.

Did you know windows media player has many forms of visualizations? It's either i am ignorant, lazy, or most people don't know about this. Because for the many times i am exposed to others using windows media player, they always stick to this visualizer > battery > randomization.

I just happened to right click on the visualizer itself, and woo la there, i found out about this. I was pretty surprise to learn that windows media player visualizer corresponds directly to the music itself. Like DIRECTLY. The common visualizer would have shown such signs, but i you may say, am ignorant, therefore i pay little attention to such patterns till i made this discovery.
And secondly i didn't have very high hopes for windows media player.

Please note i am no sound engineer or technician, hence i am unsure of the appropriate terms that refer to certain sound waves.

Try this, right click on the visualizer itself > Bars and waves > Ocean mist.
The left bars, are responsible for drums, snare, and bass. I think this is the section where the treble is. The far right corner, is this little bar, that corresponds to the above settings as well, but also to distortion. And the middle section, corresponds to the keyboard. Background vocals are slightly to the right, they are beside the keyboard bars. Vocals is right beside the background vocals. Guitars too. I guess this is the section where the acoustics lies.
Actually is pretty easy to tell which is where, just used your ears and listen what is missing. Listen to which instruments or vocals come in and how it corresponds to the bars and waves. It varies from music to music. So don't expect this to apply to all kinds of music, i was only listening to linkin park's minutes to midnight album and i made the above recognitions.

Go play with it, if you are bored. But first get a pair of UBER good earphones, those that block out all kinds of external noise. Next get a good sound/audio software, then you can try using different kinds of sounds and then you can see the difference. Its nice to give your ears some exercise after listening to all those rubbish from your teachers. HAHA. oops.

Maybe i might consider being a sound technician one of those things i like and might spend time learning about. From what i know, i have excellent voice recognition, literally. I can play your exact voice in my head. Exact! Frequency, pitch.
Pretty confident, if you ever give me a voice testing game, testing who is speaking, provided i know the person whom is speaking and he or she is not sick. I can give you the name. And i guess i would be 95% correct.
=)

I came, I computed, I registered, I execute, I believed, I changed.
I made a difference through Jesus.

I think i figured what i like. Or at least would like to pursue or spend time configuring these entities.


Computer science * still not really exposed to this entity, but i might be get interested, we'll see.
Hacking - I like to tweak with the mediums i use to aid my exploration, and creation.
Neuroscience - I like to know why i think! How the brain works!
AI - this area is pretty broad and grey, plus it is actually a little of a combination of the entities above.
Animation - this includes writing, designing, and maybe even artwork * various forms of self expression.

try something

I trust God.
I trust my best friend.
I am giving up here.
It will just be like this.

And i need to step up on my production rate, but i am not sure if i am being unrealistic?

Calling, the called. What price will you pay to obey God?
The Calling of God will definitely require sacrifice. Some have to make big sacrifices, some small, some don't make any sacrifices, their sacrifice was their mistake.
\
Still thinking about being a doctor, a missionary doctor for that matter.
Went to see family doctor today. Asked him how was it like being a doctor.
His description was nowhere near what you would call pleasant.
As i stepped out of the clinic, on my way to tuition, i counted the sacrifices i have to make if i am to pursue what God has called me to do, being a doctor, or a missionary doctor. My fingers and toes weren't enough to number these sacrifices!
I will attempt to list them out. Starting from the most practical, realistic, and immediate sacrifices and circumstances that looks almost impossible to make things happen.

1.I am not sure if i can take Biology in JC, i hope i can, if i cant then my chances of getting into Med school is reduced!
2.You have to get 3 to 4 As, i plan to, but i think this might either act as extra pressure, or an extra booster, its going to be up to the brain and heart to determine and make the choice.
3. There is high competition for this course, so they will select whom they want to interview! After interviewing you, they will select again. Wonder how slim my chance is now.
4.The fees i have to pay for taking up med school, would be roll on the floor kind. Lets say one year cost 3000bucks * i am guessing*. I would have to study up to about 10 years in order to specialise in an area. Do the calculation yourself. Next alternative, scholarship = MUG LIKE NUTS!
5. When am i going to marry? Have kids? Start a family?
6. Working hours are like 8am - 8pm? 12 hours a day, staring at sick people, and telling them to get well.
7 People complain why aren't you a good doctor, but how many times do you hear of people complimenting you and thanking you for healing them?
8. Modern medicine gets more and more complicated, because of the viruses we face in this era.
9. Look at SARS, we might get paid better than the blue collar dudes, but who is at risk here? Pay money to risk your life?
10. Starting pay, is around 3000bucks a month *this information is from a forum, according to a local doctor*, but hello, i start working at around what? Age 30? By that time, some people might be earning 7000 bucks a month already. Own a house, car, and a family. And all i have a stethoscope with me.
11. Alright, but when i think of being a doctor, i know i don't like cutting up people, i can't watch nip tuck for nuts, i wont go screaming, but i will make squirmy faces.
12. In my opinion, hospitals might just be one of the most boring places to work on earth, because few people smile here. So its going to be my job to bring a smile to my patients.
13. My dad say that people are smarter in this generation, more arrogant, and self centered. Which is true, unlike the old times, people go to the doctor and the doc has the final say. Nowadays, thanks to the internet, people research and after which criticise your medical doings.
14. There is a very thin line in your ethic and values. We've seen this in shows before, doctors having to make the choice if they want to save this dude, who just smashed their head, broke their heart, or something.
15. From the above explanations, i think being a doctor would be one of those jobs where i have to learn to numb myself. Just like waitering, i wasn't in for it long enough to get numbed. Being a doctor, means i have to get used to a routine, and a mundane hospital with so little vibrancy.

Alright maybe my fingers and toes are sufficient to number out the sacrifices, but guess it will run out next time.

The only comfort i am getting out of all this thinking.

1. I am pretty certain, God gave me a gift in this area. I don't know why, but i think i am just a natural here, besides pronouncing the words. - I took bio mid years before, as a private student in school. I GOT B4! Nothing much, but hey, the day before the exam, i was left with 3 chapters to study and i was tested 7 chapters. And the 3 chapters are chapters i have never set my eyes on them till the day before exam, i gave up at chapter 6 and a half. So i went in to sit for a paper looking at certain images and diagrams for chapter 6 and 7.
I didn't even sit in a class and i got a B4. Ok fine, it was 60 marks i think. But Yup, i sat in a class listening to POA for 6 months, and i got C5. Hmm...thats quite a contrast. Was never made for business.
2. God has proven himself to be faithful every situation, the other times when he seemed to failed me were the times my own voice spoke, and i was rash, i didn't find peace in the words i hear. Alright so God is always faithful. When i thought through the sacrifices, he was very clear and firm when he said this, "Son, you will see what i can do through you." It was really him. In my heart doubt was prevailing, and i was actually considering other options in life. But he spoke and well God always has the final say. No way running away from your calling, no point either. You just suffer more in the end, with no God - purposed life, and end up not achieving much.
3. I've heard numerous pastors preach about calling, and quite a number of them had big dreams, dreams that didn't call them to be pastors, they made the sacrifice to live up to their call. I guess, this is a further confirmation, its a call. What makes it so clear that is a call, is BECAUSE I DON'T WISH TO RESPOND TO THE CALL! If its your own desire, you will respond, if its not and something is telling you to go do it, its 99% your call. 1% hallucination.
Making sacrifices for carrying up your cross makes it painful. And the pain will add to your call, it will mold your character, it will make you feel like throwing in the towel, but when you managed to step out of it, usually you would, you come out stronger and more convicted in your call.

There is one thing I've observed in life, and that is when God brings word into your life, he will brings trails to confirm convince your conviction in his word.
So for things that are precious to you, things that are uberly important to you, God will brings trials. - You dont really quarrel as much with your friends as compared with your parents, because your parents are more important than your friends. You don't quarrel so much with your platonic friends, instead the person you might quarrel and hurt you the most is your spouse, because your spouse is important to you! See the picture?
But whats important is what you CHOOSE TO do with what happened.
You can either lay it down into God's hands, or handle it with your own strength.
You can step out of your negative emotions and thoughts, or you can remain in them.
ITS A CHOICE.

I am making a choice to leave my calling to God now, he will prepare me if i am going to be a doctor. I am sure of that.

"Son, you'll see what i can do through you!"
Yeah I'll see.
=)

Labels: Called to bring healing into brokeness

Alright watched wicker park, one of those shows where you watched again to catch up with the details, and not for the ending. Great show in my opinion!

The following review are totally based on my opinions.

You can skip this part if you want to.
+Time, distance, sacrifices, pretense, truth, hope and love

The beginning of the show was just a simple introduction of the two guy characters, Matthew played by josh harnett plays the main character, the other guy character simply acts as a catalyst for the plot. *The plot in this show, will never ever happen in real life, which actually makes the story so OH MY GOSH! Which i repeatedly said like 10 times at the back of the show where everything falls into place. Oh and there like half a dozen flashbacks, and when the flashbacks end, then you realised it is actually a flashback. So the film was pretty much weaving in and out of the main plot, which makes it a little confusing at the front, but if you persist watching on, and when things fall into place, you might just said OH MY GOSH!
It is also quite emo at the last 5 minutes, when Matthew looks at Lisa from behind. And him seeing her hurt, and all the pain they both went through. Wonder what went through his mind and heart. +
Yup. There is some nice music in the film.


We see how lies separate, breaks relations, hinders, and tears down everything. In the end the lies will get back to you, and the pretense will fall off, truth prevails, and we will see how you handle it all.
There were significant moments and destinations where it really relates to Cinderella. The bar was like the palace. Wicker park, is where the lovers hold their hope - their usual spot. The heels was used as the tool to identify the real princess. And here truth prevails.

And admist all this, where distances and time made these two lovers go crazy, they both held on to hope. In love, there is hope, so if love remains, hope remains.
However, in this show, prince charming was a big fat liar as well, so who said prince charming was that perfect? Prince charming made a mistake. Prince charming was willing to give up his fiancee just to pursue his first love. His past love.
So stick to one please!

Hold on to truth, hold on to love, hold on to hope. Let it all begin with God.

I am a silent person. I treasure silence i guess, i never really fancy over ring tones.
I found out that i am running along life with not much of a dream.

God is calling me to be a missionary doctor, but honestly don't really feel like being one. So when you don't feel like doing something, usually it means God s calling, or you are going through hallucination, which i hope i am not.

I asked myself, so what dreams do you want to have? My first answer, sub-consciously, is to help others achieve their dreams.
Thought that was stupid, because how do you help others achieve their dreams, when you never even achieve one?

I am a person who loves changes, challenge, and variety. Change = i will never stick to something for long enough, i will constantly move on to something else. However, over the years I've learnt to value consistency in certain areas of my life. This applies to home, love and friends.
So today, i wonder what do i like to do, my answer = I don't know. Conclusion = I wonder.


Challenge = i might keep comparing with those better than me, leading to jealousy, which is unhealthy. Then this is the interesting bit too, because when i like challenge, i keep doing new things, but if i do it with the wrong attitude then GG.

Applying both change and challenge, it means i never stick to a challenge long enough to bring it to closure, which is more or less true, i keep opening new challenges. But it does not apply to all situations.
The situations that are applied, reading up certain information over the web, playing computer games. Like where you save a game, then next time you play again, you start a new game. SO i have tons of saved games, few completed.
Variety = the interesting bit of me, i keep having random ideas, i got a feeling i think a lot more than the average human being. Give you an example. If you listen to music, and you listen to their lyrics, and seldom think, then i have trump you, because every time it is music in my ears, i cant pay attention to the lyrics for more than one minute, i will launch into my own thoughts and my own world, and its been this way for 17 years. So who thinks more?
But does it matter who wins who. Thing is, its just me.

I am going to start random research, in depth research of various issues, connections, and entities.
Started a little. So far, i explored -

• Fractals - Mandelbrot, budhabrot, hausdroff dimension, hilbert curve
• Algorithms
  
• DSL, wordtracker, API, meta tags
• Stroke, Brain tumor
  
• Creativity machine, Human computation
  
• Insights on human thinking - in reference to what some other brainy humans said *perceptron, imagitron. Entities and human brain capabilities.
  
• Non - Newtonian, Newtonian, Rheology, Thixotropic

Wonder if all these terms sound abstract to you. Hee.

I am going to study whatever I've set myself to study.
I have actually started, staying focused is the challenge.

I am going to write short reports on my understanding towards the entities and ideas i have chose to analyse. These reports would be no more or less than 800 to 1500 words. Not too sure if the length is suitable, but we will never know till we give it a try. At least, i will give it a try!

I am going to write an organised report, on the area of medicine, diseases, and human anatomy. The report, will include an abstract! I am attempting to churn out a 50 page report. I have one month to do that, so we will see what turns out.

The above goals are to be completed by end of year. So i have approximately 5 months to do that. But i am leaving December free, giving myself one last break before i face the real battle, and one month for working with my cousin, gonna learn tweaking and all kinds of computation, and information system from him. So that leaves me with 3 months to complete the above tasks.
To me it is still possible, IF i remain focused, and my rate of absorption allows it to happen, we will see.
Planning to make a post on dec31 on the goals that are set.

God, i think i know why, but i shall just assume i don't. I will never know, for the boundaries of an infinite God is beyond comprehension.

God, i promise to try my best to keep these promises i made to you. Will attempt to allow you to help me in keeping these promises. In my weaknesses, you are made strong.

Upon reflection, it is easy to deduce that we always cry out to God in our dire times, and in moments of despair. Now that my situation is getting a little better, maybe a lot more, God i am talking less.

God, i find it more difficult here. It seems that when the tides are calm, and the storms at bay, everything seems so peaceful, i go on living life as if nothing happened.
Maybe, i am afraid to find you now, i sinned? I am not too sure myself. I stopped finding you. I know you missed me. I know you asked me, "Son, why did you turn away from me?"
God have i stopped feeling for you? Why don't i feel anything when i hear those words of yours? Is this whole walk with you, one without feelings, and emotions? I guess there is still this bit of my heart that knows it wants to chase after you.

God Chasing after you, pursuing you, being a trail blazer, one who responds to the call of the almighty one, one who is set apart for this generation, being that one, is totally difficult.
God my time of youth is about to pass, i don't want to live a life that i regret not bringing 'enough' people to salvation. But God, where is that passion i once had? Where is that tenacious zeal i once possessed. It's been a long time since i owned that zeal. God am i going to get it back? Is it going to be different? The answers to my questions are just a prayer away, one where i sit down and hear what you have to say.

God, grant me this hunger and desire to chase after you. To pursue, to run, to fight, for this vision, for this generation, for the lost, for love, and For YOU!

This zeal for the lost, and hunger for your presence, it is not from me, instead from you. But i guess, God at least i should take the first step in asking. You told me, you can only deal with my heart when i open up myself and allow you to mend the broken pieces. I need reprogramming, you know that better than i do, guess i am clicking the button first,this time round.

Two dimensional promises
- Constant communion, walk under your direction, hear of your plans, execute in obedience
- Passion for the lost, my generation, my responsibility, the point of difference


The difference between one who bears the cross and one who don't? Is simply



These are the physical aspects i expect from myself!

In terms of academic purposes.
1. Study A.math, and Biology.
2. Study junior college syllabus.
3. Research, feed my brain with dull, necessary, interesting, exciting, mind blowing information!
4. Work and gain experience. *IT personnel

In terms of spiritual aspect.
1. Reprogram thinking.
2. Keep chasing on - pray constantly.
3. Love God and people more. And You!
4. Feed my spirit man.

Evaluation of goals
In the aspect of academic field, it is achievable, and it varies. I enjoy aspect 3 the most. :D
In the aspect of the spiritual field, i will just let God take control, but i am responsible over my spiritual walk with him, so will do something about it.

Sigh, not going nubian gents.

This change of plans is due to the decision that megalife choose to support highlife. Each zone will send 5 highlife members who are leaders in megalife, over to sy rogers. I am selected, i have little say in my objections towards the decision, in fact none.
Don't mind evading myself, telling ___ i am a helper, not a leader, so please don't choose me, but thats not the attitude.

So goodbye Nubian Gents.

Lesson learnt, i don't belong in megalife, i don't belong anywhere, i belong to God.
So God can place me wherever he wants, even in the streets of some Africa nation, and i have to do his will. Who am i to speak up against God?
Who gives the right to the created to speak up against the creator?

Shine wherever you are.

Went through a few websites, here are what the world tells me, i am best at.

favored careers:

dictator, computer consultant, international spy, tv producer, philosopher, comedian, music performer, it consultant, fighter pilot, politician, diplomat, entertainer, game designer, bar owner, freelance writer, creative director, strategist, news anchor, professional skateboarder, airline pilot, comic book artist, college professor, private detective, mechanical engineer, lecturer, ambassador, astronomer, research scientist, judge, web developer, scholar, fbi agent, cia agent, electrical engineer, assassin

i disagree, with assassin, dictator, comedian * dont mind, but errr....dont want to be an anchor too. will Drown. Others are all the occupations that went through my head before, some even became my ambition for a while! Heh...realised that i am an ENTP. Tell me which part of me looks like an introverted to you? Maybe the day i was doing the other test, was feeling EMO. Lol.

And above all, i will qualify best to be a lawyer, cause my dad think so when i was five, and thats the only occupation he ever recommended me. So think i really can make the cut for it then.

Everything hurts, but, guess it hurts more to stop loving.

I will chase on

I am going through major change. God just invested tons of pain into my life, so really going through major upgrade. Never went through a bigger upgrading project with God, in my life. My pass, is rubbish.

Unconditional love, is the giving of love even when it pains to the max. It is the abandonment of your emotions, and pushing on with love. Like running a race, passing on the baton to the next person, even if your knees have dislocated.

I am an INTP. Don't know if i totally like it that way, guess not. But it's me, if God accepted me , then i will accept myself. If God believes in me, there is no reason why i should stop believing and running.

I will freeze the bad points, and malfunction them. Or at least i will try, with the grace of God.

1. They may venture so deeply into thought as to seem detached, and often actually are oblivious to the world around them.
2. INTPs will often correct others (or be sorely tempted to) if the shade of meaning is a bit off. While annoying to the less concise, this fine discrimination ability gives INTPs so inclined a natural advantage as, for example, grammarians and linguists. - Apparently i don't happen to be some grammarians or linguists. But i guess i am better at science and logical thinking. Don't know?
3. A major concern for INTPs is the haunting sense of impending failure. - This i am going to change! Because in God there is no failures, just the obedient and disobedient. My confidence and thinking is in him.
   
4. They spend considerable time second-guessing themselves. - This is going to be done with God from now on. God, Scream into my head, get my attention!
   
5. The open-endedness (from Perceiving) conjoined with the need for competence (NT) is expressed in a sense that one's conclusion may well be met by an equally plausible alternative solution, and that, after all, one may very well have overlooked some critical bit of data. - Will be more cautious, and not hurry things.
6. An INTP arguing a point may very well be trying to convince himself as much as his opposition. In this way INTPs are markedly different from INTJs, who are much more confident in their competence and willing to act on their convictions. - This is not true. I act upon my conviction, but will only change my perception, if the other party manage to hit my brain. It's not an easy task to hit my brain.
7. This fascination for logical wholes and their inner workings is often expressed in a detachment from the environment, a concentration where time is forgotten and extraneous stimuli are held at bay. - I don't forget about time. Because i only think when i have the time to. When i am sitting down and stoning or really disturbed. Besides that, time is usually on my mind, however this is usually not applicable regarding the usuage of the internet, or for the matter the computer.
   
8. INTPs and Logic -- One of the tipoffs that a person is an INTP is her obsession with logical correctness. Errors are not often due to poor logic -- apparent faux pas in reasoning are usually a result of overlooking details or of incorrect context. - When i manage to correct this, my thinking can be more or less imba! Aiya, i don't know, however bias my choice of view, i choose to perceive things this way. Hey, till you can convince me, no one is changing that opinion of mine. My thinking is pretty dimensional, complex, and beyond the average human mind's comprehension abilities. Then again, if it is so analytical, and complicated, no one is going to get my idea, so i will be simplifying the idea. Oh wells, God has the final say.
9. In the extreme, this conceptual essence wants no form or substance to verify its reality. - This is true, sadly, at times. My concepts are beyond the wildest imagination, then again, how will you be able to verify that what i am speaking is the truth? Guess what? I myself don't know.
10. In seasons of low energy level, or moments of single-minded concentration, the INTP is aloof and detached in a way that might even offend more relational or extraverted individuals. - To be more cautious again.
11. In a crisis, this feeling judgment is often silenced by the emergence of Thinking, who rushes in to avert chaos and destruction. In the absence of a clear principle, however, INTPs have been known to defer judgment and to allow decisions about interpersonal matters to be left hanging lest someone be offended or somehow injured. - God is guiding the brain now.
    

In conclusion, INTPs, looks like misfits in society, even in a group of INTPs, i presume they might not have great relations. This conclusion is made in the consideration that we neglect all other dimensions, for instance, interests, background, and fields of experience.
However, upon using their intelligence and perceptions wisely, INTPs can churn out gazillion breakthroughs, if the thinking is directed, focused, and nurtured in a desirable condition.

To sum it up in one statement - God take control of my thinking!

I mean nothing
I don't know, it hurts quite a lot.
But i will stand up against it, really relying on God.
If i mean the whole world to you, you would still have held on to something, wouldn't you?
I am trying my best to hold on as well. Don't wish to end up like this.
Now its my turn to really ask myself, is it worth holding on?
I am not sure of my answer, for my thoughts and feelings are confused, mixed and uncertain.
God i am only simply trusting you now, you have proven faithful to me always, the only times you failed in my perception, was when my voice spoke. God you were faithful in timing and in your plans. So i can only remember of all the little things you have been faithful to me for, and i shall trust you on this one.
I really hope, i don't get permanent damage, God i trust you that i won't. Not too sure if it's because that i fear of a defense mechanism being set up, thus i immune myself to it, or because i still choose to hold on.
Or because, i am so uncertain now, that it's my turn to go through this, but I've seen you going through it? I don't know how long i have to wait.
Or because, i am just too afraid of having one, thus telling God, please don't give me one.
Maybe, i just wish everything would end, everything can be more beautiful after this.
In my peril situation, God you are here by me. Thank you. =)
I think i am only facing this with God, not telling anyone else. God grant strength to my bones, so that i still can run on, for your work, name and glory. God i want to run on.

two weeks ago = trying to survive.
last week = trying to push on.
this week = trying to run on.
Next week = trying to fly on.

I said that i will trust and not wait, but i slid back into a waiting mood instead of trusting.
Waiting = there is a deadline, there is a hope in time, you just survive through till the deadline reaches.
Trusting = there is no set deadline, you do not know when the ordeal will end, you hold on to God, not time.
God see me through this, and God remove the hope i have in time, but instead i pray that i will keep placing my hope in You, that your words will come true.
And let me remember the pain.

I watch the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the pacific end
You might think i am losing my mind
But i will shy away from the specifics

Cause i don't want you to know where i am
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been
This is no way to try and live my life

Stop right there!
Thats exactly where i lost it
See that line?
I should have never crossed it
Stop right there!
Well, I've never should have said that
And that is the very moment i wish i could take back

I am sorry for the person i became
I am sorry that it took so long for me to change
I am ready to be sure i never become that way again
Cause who i am hates who I've been
Who i am hates who I've been

I talked to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside
Had finally begun to create so much pressure
That I'd soon blow up
And i heard the reverberating footsteps
Syncing to the beat of my heart
And i was positive that unless
I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart

And i can't let that happen
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state its ever been
This is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line?
I never should have crossed it
Stop right there
I never should have said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I' tell you flat out
It hurts so much
To think of this
So from my thoughts i will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I am powerless to dictate my own moods

I've thrown away so many things
That could have been so much more
And i just pray that
My problems go away if they are ignored
But that's not the way it works
No it's not the way it works

When i go down
I go down hard
And i take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When i go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things it got my there
I think, if only i had fought them

If and when i can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where peace can search me out and find
That i am so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope i had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been so much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And i just pray
That my problems go away
If they are ignored
But that's not the way it works
No it's not the way it works

When i go down
I go down hard
And i take everything I've learned and teach myself some disregard
When i go down it hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things it got me there
I think, if only i had fought them

Any control that i thought i had it just slips right through my hands
While my ever present conscious shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up and again and do so willingly

You give me hope
And hope that gives me life
You touched my heavy heart
And when you do you make it light
As i exhale, i hear your voice
And i answer, thought i hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words i choose to say
Seems pathetic, because its a fallen man's praise
Because i love you
Oh God, i love you
Now life is worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that i am dead and gone
It wont further from the truth

Trust God boy, be patient.

Right now, i can only find the strength to...
SCREAM

I AM TIRED!!! GOD SAVE ALL OF US!!!



I am tired, still pushing on. Really am tired. I am not going to ask God for a break, cause i will find the strength to push on, somehow, someway, because God s grace is sufficient.
I am uncertain of many things, and my questions clouds my perceptions, but i am choosing to let God take control.

Imagine you are driving a car, and God sits beside you. And a sudden fog occurs, causing poor vision, you got so fed up, you slam the steering wheel, and said, "God i have enough, you drive!" Maybe God has been sitting beside us in the passenger seat and have all along been waiting for the moment you slam the steering wheel. God replies, "My pleasure." A smile.

I guess we can hide from our tiredness, bury ourselves in work or something, but we will have to face it eventually, might as well just place it before God and talk to him about it. Remember, God usually do the tests with us, at least in my case, he is always waiting for me to ask him how to do it.

Best friend, please don't lose your warmth, i am trying my best to keep up mine, there are many things in me that has been lost or froze, malfunction, whatever, but please don't lose yourself because of me.

God, i am facing this with you. I really am trying to do this with you, there are tons of inner battles i have to face, and i guess i will have to keep facing it till i face it with you. God, i am tired, i am not going to ask for a break, cause your strength for me is definitely sufficient. Ironically, i might just be tired because i have not been relying on your strength, God i don't know.
You are the one who knows best, so why not you tell me.
God would i keep facing the same battles? I know there are new ones, but there are old ones too. I see familiar battles scenes, maybe i just fled the other time. I don't know.
I am slamming the steering wheel!

Boredom seeps in.
Test after Tests from God, i feel like i am sitting for some Major exam from heaven.
Now that i am really starting to skip class, and certain lectures, coming back home early, seems as bad, just in a different dimension.
The sense of emptiness surfaces, and i have to face it. I will, i have no choice, and since i have to face it, i will try my best too not let my emotions get the better of me.
I thought things were going to get better, but i was wrong, i think after i drop out, i will still be facing more tests from God.
The funny thing about Godly tests is that no one person sits the exact same tests as another individual in the exact same time, situation, context and scenario. Everyone has a different set of tests to go through, slightly different for some, when you make comparisons. And the sad part is that you have no idea when it will ever end, you only have one comfort, and that is God will be doing all this tests with you, and you will eventually walk out of it, stronger.
I see those around me facing these Tests, and hey, lets encourage and support one another.
Don't get wallowed up in your own sets of tests that you forget that others are sitting for their own tests from God too.When you encourage another, your spirit man will find new strength to push on, it will.
You might just have broken out of the clouds that hinders your perception.

Here are some of the extracts...
J refers to me, N refers to Nat yeo.

N: hey, just thought I'd tell you that God is giving you the courage to be brave.
that even in your cold and difficult environment, you're still choosing to press on, knowing that you're working towards your call in life.
I see the bravery, in choosing and placing God's will for your life in the centre and walking in it.

J: this is so sad...You see right through me.
I know one simple truth...and that is to walk in God's calling. Its the toughest choice and the most painful of it all, but at the end of the road, i will smile, and thats what i am fighting for. I choose to fight for that smile. Its been a year of pain and fighting for a simple smile.

N: that's the spirit of perseverance.
and it empowers and uplifts one's spirit.
I think I've lost that recently.
so it got difficult for me to keep walking.

J: its nice to know that my spirit and tenacity encourages someone. I keep running, i just make sure i run in the right direction.

N: you'd never know, so just keep at what you're keeping at.

J: i am trying so hard, and i kind of thank God for his sufficient grace principle...
cause so many times i say i cant take it any more, but i managed to finish that lap.
due to Gods grace again.

N: Amen to that.

Yes, i feel encouraged, and i see my tenacity better now, actually i was only aware of it till Nat raised it up.
Thanks Nat.
=)

I think.
I apply feelings into my thinking.
I think about the feelings i apply into my thinking.
I might think about my very own thinking.

God my life stinks! I know i sound like i am complaining, i don't know if i am being honest or complaining.
Confusion plunges in.
God i know your plan for me is perfect, your plan for everyone is perfect, and it will be made perfect when we all follow it. So why therefore get jealous when i see your plan for others, and i covet their life? God remove my blindness!
The clouds that distorts perceptions.
God, i keep wondering why, does my life look so crap? Then i think about those living in the kampongs, in my pain, i feel like giving in and saying it would be nicer living their lives. I wonder if they would covet my lifestyle. If they too are blinded by discontentment when their eyes are open to technological advances. But now i see better how this world works. Technological advances we may have, but it might have been better without them around us.
A simple desire, enfolds itself.
God, i am too lost to think if i have the right to ask this. But i will ask for it anyway. God will you give me one good year? I got a feeling you won't. Just one good year? Alright pain will still come and all, but more good days then bad? I know you make everyday good, but days with no problems. I don't know i keep getting the feeling you don't wish to give me, because i will slacken my as off. Ah forget it, i cant ask for this, because i am complacent right? I am lazy right?
God, i will just accept the fact that i get it hard from you. How many days did i smile before i sleep, saying God i enjoyed my day, today is a good day,thank you.
God i end the day with, God i thank you for making this day a survivable one. God give me a break! I know you are strong, and stubborn, I've learnt. So i will scream all i want!!! GOD GIVE ME A GOOD YEAR!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM ASKING FOR, BECAUSE I AM TOO TIRED NOW. BUT I KNOW I WANT A GOOD YEAR. MAY NOT BE IN MY DEFINITION OF A GOOD YEAR, BUT GOD GIVE ME. Or at least open up my eyes to see it all together.
I am hereby declaring i am tired, but according to the principle of God's sufficient grace, and
Drowned by my thoughts and emotions. Negativity.
God i am so annoyed by anyone who calls me now. I don't even know if i am Joey, or zheng yi. I feel like i belong to neither name. Can you believe this? I am denying my own name! WHO AM I? My identity is in Christ, but where do i stand? Don't come bombarding me with simple truths now, because i am not ready to listen, and every time you remind me of a lesson God taught me, and i already am holding on to it, the more i feel like letting go of that knowledge.
If you are ever going to come tell me a truth, you better make sure that i don't know, and its something that is able to open my eyes. at this point, i would like to believe i have ate alot of pain, i think alot, and thus the chances of me knowing more than you is pretty high. And do forgive my pride, arrogance, and ignorance, just conclude from your inference that i am confused, lost, flustered, irritated, annoyed, and trying so very hard to breathe.
I don't know who am i. Tell me about it.

GOD, you wanted to break me, i am broken enough, let me have a break please. Give me some hope, will you? I know you are my hope, but it stinks now to come find you, cause i am broken by you! And ironically you are the one who heals me.


GOD GIVE ME A BREAK!

GOD WHATS WRONG WITH ME?
WHO AM I?
TELL ME WHO AM I?

DON'T ANYONE OF YOU COME TELLING ME MY NAME!