I forgot the feeling of sitting in a class.
I miss school.
I miss having the chance to say I DID IT!
I stop believing, i believe and then i stop.

I really don't know, i hate st gabs at the same time i am thankful.
Thankful for the love i found there, and the character that is being moulded into me.
But, how cruel, how extremely cruel.

Picked up my report book last night, everything was B and Cs, alright mostly.
Trying to get an A for English was asking for Jesus to come again.
Here are the results 60 60 40 60...over the length of two years in sec3 and 4.
See the consistency? See the range of marks awrded? English was never a matter of what grade you got, instead if you passed or not.

I eventually start to believe my english sucks, i cant write. How nice of my school. They have their reasons, but the dreams of ever achieving an A1 was never created, with the constant low results, i never chased after an A1, i only dreamt of it.

Humanes, constant C5s. Reason being, if we ever given you an A1 you would stop studying for humanes, again, i never knew the feeling of getting A1 for history and SS because i never did.
I dreamt of it in Os, chased after it. But they killed us, and there goes my chance of claiming i did it.

My school only has 1 Bio class. Its another story why i never opted in there.
But i don't know how does it feel to sit in Bio class. Studying Bio has always been done alone, like running in a race with no finishing line, no competitors, no timing, you run alone in darkness.
I don't even know if i am good at Bio? The only hope i have was that i did better in Bio than in POA in sem 1 sec3, when i self studied Bio. With 3 chapters left uncovered the day before. And here goes my future and hope in Bio. I wonder if the JC i am giong to will allow me to sit in a Bio class. Thanks to a simple chioce made in secondary school. I might never have the chance to experience the feeling of sitting in a Bio class.

Chills that cuts across my skin. Amplify the chills, the vapour does the job.
To break out of mindsets and perceptions. God why is it like this?


God i am so sad!

I got so demoralised in sec3 that i didnt bother about anything in sec4, i left my studies to rot, i failed sem 1! I failed overall!!! Can you believe it?

Amaths was a goner from sem 2 sec3 onwards. Everything was 20...And i think grading me 20 was just being nice, because i know its suppose to be lower.

Science, disliked my science teachers in sec4, didnt bother doing well in mid years and prelims...
I keep thinking that i could have done better in pure sciences, then again, hate the whole system, why is there even combine? Whats so difficult about pure? My A1 came too easily in combine science. I could have close my eyes and still get it. And i am serious about that. Because the paper was so easy! That A1 is not justified! Of pass failures and near achievements. How can i do this?

God I STOPPED BELIEVEING!!!
I choose not to. I dont know. It seems better that way. When i push so hard yet i fail. God arent i relying on my own strength? How annoying, a lesson that i've been trying to learn for the past 3 years and i am still learning! God I am so pissed!!!

I guess i am still hiding under shadows.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?! I dont even know where i am at? And you want me to get out of the shadows i am hiding in?
Someone make me believe!

God, i dont know if i still can do it. I dont want to believe i can, its seem safer that way.
How ironic i try to make others believe in themselves, when i myself dont. Each time i try, each time i am haunted by my own words.

GOD!!! I AM SO ANNOYED AND FRUSTRATED WITH YOU! WITH MYSELF!

I know my significance lies in you, but make me believe!
A wasted life.

Oh, dont think not being in school is nice. Its nice for some, but i would prefer to be in school, at least my mind is coped up with the constant need for oxygen and space. I dont have to spend time bothering and brooding over such horrific and catastrophic results and performance. I dont have the time to self doubt, even if i self doubt, it would be for a few hours.

Gosh i doubt myself so many times this year. And for days in a role. I really dont know how it feels like to smile at myself and say i did it! Yay...i forgot that feeling.
And wonderfully no one has told me what i am good at. So i am good at nothing eh?
What has the education system turned us into. Turned some of us into, if i may correct myself.
Where intelligence is set, confined, and narrowed.

I stopped believing...