Gosh. Prayer meeting was so horrid. I seriously think i should stop going prayer meetings all together. Honestly. No one should judge me till you understand how i feel.

I dont mean to be insensitive. But i think alot of people reading this wont know how i feel. Especially the traveling. Only for those in Uni have a better idea how it feels.
First. I got no cell members, the very reason i went for prayer meeting. What a letdown.
But its about God la.
Second. Super tired to begin with.
Third. Was asking me to pray for things i need prayer for. Like vision 500. I will be one of those who have forgotten and kind of given up on the vision all together. Too tired to run on. Just keeping myself running is an achievement all together already.
Fourth. My thoughts are many. I can even literally think and worship at the same time.
Fifth. Super fed up with my brother. As in what he did will just naturally make me fed up la. But cant blame him as well la. Like...he can stay overnight and i cant. Like walau man!!! Super unjustified.
Sixth. The sad thing that made everything worse, was that those who i voice out my pain, they themselves dont understand how i feel. Not blaming them, but dont you think so it kinda makes it worse at the same time a bit better.
The list goes on. Thanks for listening to me. The list was a lot more longer than this.

I walked out of church with a mentality that i hate going to church. When it was supposed to be the other way round. I went in with a moderately light heart, came out near to tears. And i honestly dont mind disappearing from church for a few weeks. But why cant i? Cause i am a leader. No, a helper right? Yeah i need help myself. I feel like going away and get some air before i come back. But the other leaders are dying, i leave now everything just get wash away. Honestly not thinking much about what i am saying now.
And scary it may seem that i am saying this. But cell members, honestly you guys should encourage your leaders. Because we are much more tired than you all. Try taking care of 4 sheep, taking care of your own problems, your friends problems, plus school, family, cell, all together. Gosh. Really, i am not saying this for myself only, i see other leaders dying as well. So really cell members do encourage your leaders. PJ and staff team as well. Of course our AOs.
Not being insensitive, but my mind is too tired to even spare a thought on how people feel already. My thoughts are without feelings now, so if it hurts, try not to hurt, cause its not given thought.

And members, please do cooperate with your leaders. This is from my heart, i honestly dont mind walking out on the cell at times. When people just rebel and give you attitude. Keep screaming and gosh...like really la. Leaders are humans as well. Gotta start sparing a thought for others man. Like please la. cooperate with your leaders and make the whole cell enjoyable right? Oh...members, most leaders i would say, hates it when they sms you and ask you to reply, and you dont. Its one of the most irritating members can do to a leader. Its like our smses just wasted man. I know i sound like i am complaining. But honestly, somethings gotta change.
Oh when you do reply, it makes me smile.

I dont mind shutting down all my thoughts, and feelings. So i just carry on life without my hypothalamus working.

Usually, i think, then i feel about what i thought, then i think about my feelings on my thoughts.
I am skipping step two. So i think, and then think about what i thought.

Brain without feelings.