I am seriously finding this very painful.
God i know i will be facing up to my pain in less than 40 hours left. And i am still struggling big time. Telling another human being wont help.

Sometimes the closest to you just missed it so badly. Just didnt see the hurts that cut so deep. Maybe seen it, but yet not doing anything, so is that still close? I wish someone heard. But time passed. Bleeding.
Not here.

Too hurt to move on like this. God i pray i will not have to break things.
OF GREAT MISTREATMENT AND GREAT DISCOMFORT.
I am moving church.
I pray i don't have to leave my current one with a trail of blood.


Maybe i am just too afraid to look at the blood.

I want to do things with style and with an edge next year. I wonder if i can carry it through. I like how some people carry themselves, how it just makes them interesting. I like how i do certain things now, where social networking and 'leeching' works, but excessive usage is not advised, and avoiding it would do you much favour. Or to be more precise prevent disfavour.

I think most prob i will change church. Reading Ronald's blog makes me think. And i am using his computer to type this post.

Watch the compiled video. Expect something from camp.
The more you expect God, the more he will come.

The more welcomed the guest feels, the more he would like to come back and visit again.


My words are crashing under the weight of my logic, and it seem so belittled, yes by me and my perception.

Alright found some vids


Past year megalife compiled videos. Watch and see how young we were then.
Joan chew Central 2.

Gosh. Its 4 am. And i think camp logs is...
God have mercy.



Anyway i had this thought in the afternoon...

Sometimes we say sorry not because we are apologetic, but because we want to save the friendship

Time seems to pass so fast because our memories hold no chronoligcal order.
We can think about something that is 2 3 years ago, and we feel it pass so fast, because our thuoghts jumped straight to a memory that is 2 3 years ago. But the truth is, you would not think about all the memories that happened after the first memory 2 3 years ago thus it seemed short.

Camp. Packed.
God you made me go through 3 days straight of blowing up. Thats quite a bit. But i am better at handling blow ups from myself now.
For 3 straight days i left church with a pissed, emotional and desperate, and pissed again feelings.

Time seems to pass so fast because we neglect the memories in between your first memory and your current situation.

Beyond the pain...

There is God.

i just cried. i just lost myself to my tears. i cried and cried. till my face was wet with tears. my fingers wet with tears. my eyes hurt. my throat hurt from screaming and wailing. and all in that time i wish someone would save me from my tears. i didnt bother if it was giogn to be real or not anymore. saliva that dripped down i didnt bother either. i just want God to know its me, its me crying, its finally me crying. i lost the strength to cry. i purse my lips. God its not over. God when can it be over? i kept thinking i am weak for crying. but the truth is its really beyond me. its beyond what i can bear. i keep thinking if jesus cried as badly as i did? how did he find the strength to tell God that by God s will, and not by his own will. i keep thinking i cant be like jesus.
God i know, when i ask where are you, i felt you touched my shoulder. i dont know if it was literal. if it was really there physically, ut God i know you touched it. i know you are here. but God why are you so cold to me? why are you the most insensitive among every entity that has breath? WHY!!! dO you simply tell me to face it with strength? why does it seem to me you lost your feelings for me, even though i know you havent. God maybe you want me to do this strong, but God its really beyond me.
i never cried like this in my life before. the most was tears. but this time i stop holding back, i made use of the opporunity to cry out, since i felt real crying out.


God did you purposely pick me so that you can display oneness? It seems a bit evil. but looks like you are God.
God i still dont expect you to restore me in camp. Even though i hope for it.
God did you say that to Jesus? Face it with strength? Crying helped. i Feel stronger now.

I've been crying. I've been screaming. Till my eyes hurt. Till my throat pains.
I am finding myself with so many F words.
And this is the worse part.
I dont even know if my tears, my scream, my F words are real. I dont even have the authenticity to cry it out.



God why cant this be the worse year of my life? Why!?!

I might change church. Not so soon i believe, not too many transactions at one go like the beginning of this year.
Ronald lets hope what you told me about your sis works out for me as well.
I havent been growing, like seriously in megalife at all. I dont feel growth. Neither have i been growing in highlife.
I like the idea of not having to keep going down all the way for church, pushed over the limits, and ideas toyed seemed attractive.
God didnt object me from changing church, so i am still thinking over stuff.
But i know i will be missing a lot of people, friends, and cells. Even though i never really felt like i fit in, but i know its my teen years that i will be leaving behind. I mean i dont have a lot of secondary school friends, about a little more than half a dozen i still keep in contact?
I hope when i change, my cell members will still do fine.
But as i change, i am quite determine to come back, when i am ready. And i do imagine how it will be like when i come back like say after 2 years? I see all my young ones grow to sec4s. And everyone would have changed so much. And change is something scary, it can either erode friendships or it can make it stronger. Usually erode.
But leaving isnt too hard as well, its seriously a struggle with God here. Its been seriously beyond me. The only reason how i manage to make it through so far, its because i have a stubborn God who happens to always come up with something better to convict me to push on.

Be strong. Be courageous. Be brave. I have not given you a spiriti of timidity...ALRIGHT shut up, i get your point...but i still find it hard. Come on face it like a man. Eat the pain.

Minstry should never be at the expanse of your walk with God, and it has been an expanse to me for the past few months. And been in the wilderness for a few years. Thank God the wilderness have springs to refresh my weary body.


But i am still toying with the idea. Change church.

I said, " God its hard, God its been really hard. " less than fifty times in this weekend.

Boys like girls - Holiday

Wo3 Pei4 Fu2 Ni3 *( I admire you )...Persevere. Bo pian *( No choice ). - I will remember that short conversation with a member from Central 3.
I blew. Never went through that in years, i wonder if its the first time in my life all together goes to show how horrid a state i am in.

Prayer meeting on friday was nice because i talked to Marvin. So i was not alone in this. As in, someone kinda went through something that is as tough. Glad someone was able to thrash me in some areas.
I learnt - Many times, its not time to step out of wilderness, because God is not done with you. And since he isnt done, it just means he will be done one day, and its more than just patience when it comes to staying in the wilderness.

Saturday was nice in a way because Nat Yeo prayed for me. I think she would be the best person so far to pray for me, because our situations are pretty similar. We are both in highlife, same poly cell, struggle for vision 500 in ways that only differ slightly,and our education paths are kinda screwed. And i would have thought she would be one of those who stood beside me not in front of me.
I was reminded of SK, of the old megalife, of the ORIGNIAL vision 500. Where all those who really held the real authentic heartbeat. I still admire that heartbeat.
I learnt in path of destiny - I am significant because God created me. Because God is a significant God therefore his creation will ithout fail, be significant. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
But after path of destiny, that line hold no more conviction, because i see my pain, and i lost the significance. So back to sqaure 1.

Sunday, thank God i had Ronald. Before i seriously went insane, and give up on the cross all together. Yeah his grace is sufficient...Whatever. It was beyond undying anguish and excruciating pain. Making me go through path of destiny again was seriously a pain in the ass man. I mean like i dont even mean it, i can hardly pray for anything but cry out to God, and you expect me to be praying for it? Seriously, i didnt want to walk through it, but as i said, Bo Pian.
I learnt - I am still confused, whether facing the pain is easier, or running away? Which is better? I hardly debate what is right and wrong, i just bite my nails and face the pain, and in the meantime, try to keep myself sane, and no go screaming.

I am deeply apologetic for those who do not understand my situation.



The only way out is through.

I got a cut across my left foot. Kinda hurt. The nerve endings.
Got singout concert. Did PAE.
Lost my entire list of download music from artist. Com crashed.
Wonder whats wrong with me or the com, third time this year.
And my dad accuse me of going to those kind of websites. Beg to differ, i mean even IF i go, then the whole wide world will be having their coms crashing. I mean...alright you get my point.
Wish i wasnt so saturated. I hardly bother about things now. Cleared 40 plus emails. I still have 50 mails i have not cleared.
3 textbooks i kinda want to read but havent started. Plus a room to clear. A blogsking to change. Phone to work on. Ipod to tweak.

I read a book about organistion and planning. You know how you keep the whole company, group of people together? It s when they feel belonged, when they are able to contribute, participate.

Toby Mac - Suddenly.


I am planning for next year. I need to meet my cell members. But God i pray you grant me some creative juices. Hmmm i guess i will make them crash at someone s house.

Joachim said there will be some of us God is using this year to prepare. Pretty sure i am one of them.
Not apologizing for previous posts. It s been real, and i thought through it before i click publish post. If you valued unity then you should have cared more for my well being and understand how it felt like going through this.

Its one of the worst periods of your life. A season that will go down in pain. Worst year of my life.

And all you wish for is some human being to be able to understand. To know how it feels to fight for the authenticity with you. To continue believing in you. To hold your hand through this mess. Just be here.
Sometimes its not the perspective that matters, is the perspective you have of someone whose in pain. Knowing and understanding how he feels.
Its far more than just my ministry, church, and what i serve in. Its a struggle i have with God.

When a mother sees her child's hand receive a cut, blood dripping out, would she scold him for where he spilled blood, or would she make haste and get a towel to stop the bleeding. Would she scold him for crying out in pain, or would she soothe his pain and say its okay.
Maybe i just need a friend who is able to display such understanding and love.

God if i am going to go through this alone, i am fine. I know you are here. Been hoping for a human to understand, but if i dont get one, i will move on and face it alone. There were many things i faced alone, my presence speak of your grace.

I am still very bewildered, does not a single person reading this understand what it means to go through the worse year of your life? A season where everyday can be a battle against your own feelings. Have your lives all been so comfortable? I mean its like struggling, not because of perspective, but simply to stop yourself from drowning? Like anguish beyond anguish.

Do you really understand so little of the pain i go through?


Define Common sense.

PAE registration, tomorrow before 4.
Wishes that ran out. Was it wrong to wish?
God was all my pain real?

Singout concert thurs night.

gerry says (1:59 AM):
but maybe simply becos life goes on, you get another chance to make things better
having a tmr means there is hope
Each number tells a story says (2:01 AM):
to me now, tmr means having to face up to the pain i am going through
things never end overnight.
I get prayed for today, and the hurt is still there isnt it?
Each number tells a story says (2:02 AM):
Yes that tmr will come, when things get better, but its a long wait, and its still long, but maybe as i keep waiting, the wait gets shorter.

Salvation isnt here, but its coming. And i am waiting. I am waiting for rain. God promised, it can take years, but his grace is sufficient, so i shall keep waiting. I wont die, i cant, not by him by my side, i am dead already, but because of his stubborn grace, i am still not yet totally smite out.

Anberlin - dismantle: Holds a fraction of my current expression.

gerry says (2:11 AM):
healing is a process that will take a long time
Each number tells a story says (2:12 AM):
i am dead enough, surrendered quite some time ago
gerry says (2:12 AM):
in the meantime be strong and hopeful
Each number tells a story says (2:12 AM):
yeah...trying hard to.

I dont have a choice do i?

Its either i lower my expectations, or i improve my reality...
I've been trying to lower it.
But sometimes its not that easy to lower your expectations is it? Its dangerous as well.
Maybe some expectations, you never wanted to let go, some you tried to, but the expectations is still there.

Sometimes you are hurt by your expectations, and in your hurt you try to find comfort, and that comfort is hoping that your expectations will still be fulfilled.
Human fail. We all fail. We all make mistakes.

Justice, why is there even a need for it?
As you grow older, you start seeing the corruption, the junk of this world. And yes its in our politicians, our celebs, our policemen.
Sometimes i guess, what makes justice so flawed and biased, is that the law is the one holding the gun, not you, not the criminal, in the court i mean.
I seen policemen on the news beat up in brutal fashion, in a manner that is unspeakable, the humans and civilians, yes sometimes they made mistakes, but let me ask you, did not the policemen made mistakes too?
Why riot, if everyone lived a life that is comfortable? So who or what caused the riot? The politician? Our perception? The simple movement?
I seen how people riot, and create chaos, and yet the police does little to hear and understand their pleads, but instead ruthlessly and inhumanely wound the civilians. Now lets reconsider, who is right, and who is wrong?
In the end, who holds the gun?

I watched people arguing over the right to abortions. Who is right now? Was it right to abort, was it wrong? Why is there such a word call abort in the first place? Wasnt it the rapes that caused it? Wasnt it the disability to bring up the child? Wasnt it the defect?
Sometimes the root of the issue was never about what is current, but what happened in the past that cause the current. I guess i do not wish to make a stand. Life isnt easy out here. It gets harder by the year. Sometimes aborting the child to me, is doing the child a favour. And my guess is the child gets to stay in heaven, i mean i believe God is kind enough to let the child stay right? The child didnt even have a chance to say yes or no to Christ, so let s be nice and assume the child said yes. I mean come on, i believe haven never encountered the problem of overpopulation has it?

I wish my words could be heard, somewhere, somehow, in a certain fashion.
But just like the civilians, they werent heard were they? Just like the aborted babies, i didnt get much of a choice did i?
Its okay to get hurt, its normal, the problem is moving on with it.
Yeah i am finding it hard.

THE BIGGEST QUESTION I HAVE FOR MYSELF REGARDING THIS BLOG.
Does my brother read it?
The second biggest question i have for myself regarding this blog.
How does my readers respond when they read what i wrote? What do they do?


So much for vision 500 in my previous posts, here s more about thoughts of me.
I feel like i am beyond burnt out. Yeah burntout3. I feel like i am dying, died and still dying.
I feel submerged under water, while i look at everyone feel in the skies with the vision 500. I dont feel part of the vision, i feel forgotten. Yeah its perspective, but so what if i can see it? I am so not convinced...Erm i know i am not, but i feel that way? See? So many times its never how much you know, its how you feel. What you know does affect how you feel. So its time to hit the right thoughts. A risky brain operation.


I am glad cell sharing was nice yesterday. There are so many thoughts that never lands up here. You know out of all this pain, i know the answers i would tell myself i am the one who is trying to help the one in pain. And Shit, i went through extreme pain once, and i know my thoughts for it. And i know the kind of thoughts i can have, hang on. Dont give up. You are more than a conqueror, i believe in you. YOU CAN DO IT! You are so much more worth than this. Even thoughts on my thoughts *second thinking, i have answers to rebuke my own inadequacy, my own pain, thats because i went through it once, but its so different when you are in pain. I know i may raise my fist against God now, i know i will turn back when i am out of this place and say God thank you, i dont mind going in again and grow more as i get out of it. God i hardly feel any more pain. I guess its drifting time. I know that feeling, i hate it very much. To just sail through life. Yes, i forgot my dream, its a fantasy to me, its ecstasy.

I am apprehensive of camp, actually i considered not going even after i pay. I dont want to be standing there not worshiping God. I dont want to be reminded i am in camp comm. A place i felt forgotten. You, yes you, please dont come and tell me its my perspective, when you dont even feel my pain. Actually i feel sadden by you, never knew you would not have found out why am i hurting so much. Hey, my pain is 10 times beyond just camp comm. I fought hard not having to put up those two words in my blog, i didnt want to pull it all down, guess i just did. So remain hiding? Or be real?
Never mind, i will just place the blame on your exams.


Yeah joshua, i remember i brought you into megalife, if you are reading this. Yong sheng you too. Maybe before vision 500 comes, people should start learning how to assimilate others into megalife, learn to sit with newcomers, talk to them. BUILD RELATIONS LA! Sigh...so much for FTV. Sometimes i seriously feel the whole megalife lost themselves while fighting so hard for vision 500. Yes i remember my heartbeat for megalife, to learn to assimilate people into megalife. I used to have that vision at...sec1? I forgot. I guess the words in bold, i spoke them once, at sec1? Yeah sec1, before church went under big renovation.

I wonder if anyone out there is praying, its okay if you dont, because i havent been. I havent been doing quiet time for the past two three weeks. Its not like how you think. I guess...
I seriously wonder about my spiritual condition.

You know i hate it when after a high time of worship, or prayer, everything just drops down again? I thought so many times to myself, so after praying half an hour for me, nothing happened? Like the pain never gets removed, i know its not overnight, i am still in pain what? God still havent got me out of here what. Maybe you should not pray for me in the first place then, because you offered hope that came crashing down. The more pain i go through, the more i understand others now. I look at so many people going through their teen years, going through their spiritual life, and i tell myself, sometimes i tell them. Been there, felt it, done that.
I seriously wonder, is it me? Or is it God? Like why...am i stuck here in this pain for so many months, in this dry and arid place for so many years? Sometimes i wish i didnt have to raise my hand for certain alter calls. For those who have not had it easy we want to pray for you...raise your hands. Sigh...Those alter calls arent pleasant, reminded you are in pain...
I remember leader's camp, i was the first among the four to raise their hands, those that havent had it easy for the past year, or years. I wish i could be like those that didnt raise their hands, I am so not proud to raise it.

Things i still can thank God for, i have food, clothing, parents who dont pick so much on me. A nice brother, who doesnt really talk to me. Nice still. Friends who do care, but sometimes somehow in a weird fashion, i kinda wish they dont, because it reminds me i am in pain. I wish they do, because they are here for me, and it means a lot to me. But i am in so tired, i dont want to be reminded any more.
Its been two months ago since i wanted to stop coming church.


My mum thought that i am going highlife camp because i just needed to kill time, i got so many things i want and can do which i find it hard to do now, instead of going highlife camp. I felt i have so much a better chance to get ministered there instead of ONE camp. But yes worship, i dont want to go anymore. Save the money. Final decision...dont go highlife camp. Wanted to till my mother thought of me that way. Affected? Maybe...but i guess i rethink my thoughts...makes it different now.


I figured, its no longer the traveling anymore that bothers me so much, it still does, i've moved on, and my pain changed, oh if you all think i keep complaining and feeling the pain about something, please rethink your thoughts. My pain constantly morphs...God knows, go ask him.
Reverse psychology hardly works on me now, because i guess i think more than you, you want to beat my thinking? Gotta out think me, before i started posted, i already have ten things to say in my blog, and i guess i can only remember at most 3? So, like seriously...
Yes its no longer so much about traveling, its about going all the way down, meditating, as she puts it...and yes you have nothing to do there, you are just there out of obligation, out of duty, out of the simple reason, YOU HAVE TO BE THERE. Oh you are reminded, you are still not activated for your ministry, oh sorry job.
You know i hate going service so much now...i seriously want to skip every single worship session...the songs they sing, its the inverse of my words to God...For example...God i want to know you more, i give my whole life to you, etc...yeah its the opposite of my words to God now. I dont want to know anything about him, i wish i didnt know him. Oh...i dont like to be reminded, i cant worship God, even if i do, its lip service...oh...i think God will appreciate that a lot. If i am God i did rather me shut up. Exactly what i am and trying to not do. But guess God knows what i am doing, and why i am doing so.
Yeah she is right, God deserves the worship..yeah he deserves it...but not lip service, the thing we preach against, and oh...sorry, i happen to fall into that category now. What are you going to do then?
He is right...being in a ministry, gotta be edifying, and encouraging TO YOURSELF may i remind...sorry i never felt that way...since i stepped into ministry, i lost more and more of myself.
Oh...vision 500...have you forgotten to what happen to those that are building the vision. She is right, whats the point of having 500, when like a 100 is dying? Is burnt out...that 100 can just pull down the whole ministry. PJ said this more than once, for those who are young...listen to this. PJ was never concerned about numbers, she was always concerned about the heartbeat of her people, are they for God or for the world, or for themselves... Listen to this...SHE RATHER HAVE 50 YOUTHS ALL OUT FOR GOD, than to have 300 youths, hardly bothering the heartbeat of God. Hmmm...figurative number it may be. What happen to those dying?
You know why people backslide? Yes most of them fell to the darkside...but let me tell you something, people backslide because they were not taken care of...you think people suddenly wake up on Saturday and say, i dont want to go church anymore? They were never taken care of thats why they left, the pain the disappointment they harbored, that was left remaining to grow, it got the better of them, and i am trying so very hard to make sure it has not gotten the better of me * Spiderman and venom...its time everyone keep watch of the gates, dont let any more sheep get snatched away.
Oh vision 500...if you want to have more sheep, gotta prepare for it dont you? Whats the point of keeping 500 sheep in a pen that can only contain 400? The remaining 100 will find another pen to live in, oh...i am sorry 80 of them might just get eaten up by the wolf before they reach and found another pen.
I am getting quite sick of prayers directed at me, i know you all care, but so...? It just kinda make things worse when its prayed in the wrong way you know... hmmm, best option dont pray for me in front of me, unless you are able to hit me...unless you really seriously know my current heartbeat.
I honestly dont want to be in leadership now, i know there are other reasons why i should stay or should not, whatever...point is, i dont want my members to get pulled down as well, but i can never tell them, i am taking a break...what s going to happen to them for the next few months? For the relationships i took to build the past 10 months, i know i mean a lot to them, but i dont want them to lose their flame because of me, telling them i am taking a break would kinda do the same as well. So much for my plans of meeting all of them up. I only managed to meet two.
From what i remember, ministry breaks means...i pulled the plug, i am never stepping in. Look at ushering. I wonder how are they doing, the current ushers are so different are those that are 3 4 years ago, even all the way back to megalife was barely 100. I seriously am sad to see, why no one ever thought who were the ones who built up megalife. Yes the remaining marks, of megalife in grace chapel is my batch. We are hardly around any more. I say we grown a lot, but who remembers where were we? Who knows what we went through? Sometimes, before you look at vision 500, try looking things from PJ's view...From pastor Vincent view. Never done that? Its a good time to start now. So much for vision 500. The church we worship in now, never knew how it even got here did you?
Let me tell you, there was this period riverlife church almost lost its existence. I wonder how many of you know we the old megalife * The old froggies as PJ puts it, used to play soccer at the spot atrium is sitting at now. I wonder who saw the trees pulled down besides me. I wonder if lem remembered i raced with him once outside grace. I wonder anyone remember people use the spiral stairs beside grace chapel. I wonder if anyone remember the room in victory chapel, was once all together another room. I wonder...I seriously wonder, did anyone else saw the cement path being made at the green gate besides me and ...
Before we hit 500 there was 12, 16, 30, 60, 80, 120, 240, 280, 300, 320, 350. Each number is a story, somehow i would say most of your are in the story of 240 and onwards, its time you all have an idea of the stories before 240...then you all really own the vision 500. Like completely, because you appreciate, you know what legacy you left, you know who and what did they left of for you to continue. You try finding out what's their heartbeat for megalife, rethink your thoughts, your path, the way you run.
Maybe all of you are too comfortable in your chairs, hardly see the chairs thats need to be filled up. Let me remind all of you, our vision beyond the 500 mark, is to invade WORSHIP CENTRE, anyone remembered? Why invade worship centre...Yeah start rethinking. Anyone remember how was it like in grace chapel? I enjoyed there a lot more than in victory. I enjoyed sanctuary as well, when we can just go up and worship as a whole group. I enjoyed trains that were formed. There are so many stories beside the current ones. Seng kang used to be ONLY ONE CELL, so was Central which has birthed into an area. Never knew? Logic would say so, but i guess its nice to know your own history isnt it? What about your own cell? What say you? Tampines...who remembered who were the ones before your cell. Who were once in your cell, and were the ones who built up the cell.
Not to dwell on the past, but your present is your past. Who you are today, is what you were yesterday.

Rethink your thoughts. Rethink the path you run on.


Here is the problem, there are so many problems, that i dont know which is the problem, and that's a problem in itself.

I am tired of being the one talking.
Tired of taking initiation.
Tired of people who forgot how is it like to be missed, or miss people who miss them.
Everytime i take the initiation, i feel more pain. So might as well just dont take right?
Taking the inititive also hurts, because it just reminds you that they forgot.

End of story. Silence is best.

Yeah, all you lucky brats. Live near somewhere the church. And end the meeting so late.
Thank you, for making me take the last bus home.

LAST BUS!
Oh, i am sorry, none of your have to take the last bus home. Sorry for not understanding how you all feel. How you all are bathed, before i reached home. How all of you have the option to be in bed before i EVEN REACH HOME!
Oh, yeah my perspective, who am i to blame? Should have cared more, should you all not?


Last bus home, thank God i never walked home before. Besides that i am not thankful.


It seems like i am the only one who is in the group that is able to relate to you.

We have two choices, help each other through, or help each other amplify our sufferings.
Its a risky operation, and words that only differ slightly, just by the tone of the voice, and the way said, can divert the first option to the second, and the second to the first.

I say, we help each other through.

What say you?

Sometimes i wonder, am i trying to hold up myself, or others?
Why do i not skip all these sufferings? Yeah going for those meetings is called suffering, i am looking to the end of it. To the end of what we are planning.
I keep thinking, maybe you should not have believed in me, spare me from the knowledge and suffering, that someone chose not to believe in me. Someone who doubt me. Yes i chose to look at the view point, someone did not believe me, someone else did believe in me, which spoke of my destiny, my position, and my EXTREME DISCOMFORT! To be stuck in the middle, to be used as a spare part. Like seriously, the group will survive without me. And if its causing me so much suffering, WTF am i doing here suffering? LEAVE LA!
Sometimes i really wonder he has to say. But its too mean if i am going to demand from him.
You told me i should not look for recognition in men, but that is me, that is me!!! How can i change whats me? Its part of me!!! Everytime i heck the encouragement of men, i find myself free, but after a while i find it so unreal, because whats real is i need the encouragement. From Humans. I can, i can forget about getting encouragement from human beings, and they forget about getting FROM ME! I can forget about my heartbeat, i have forgotten anyway, what's there to lose, when its already lost? I forgotten my destiny, i ran and ran, and now i am lost. No been lost since dont know when.

You should have first understood how i felt, understood that if you are going to get into my head, you cannot force your way in. Wrong move. I understand what you mean. BUT SO WHAT? Its not always knowing you know, its how you feel.

I dont see the point being in there?
Its like a cell that has extra cytoplasm, there is no need for me. It can survive without me. Dynamics may change, but seriously it can survive without me. I mean i dont want to be in there because i find it a waste of my time, and i find myself hurting so much.
Forget it man, i am the only person who doesnt have to do anything about his portfolio till the very last week, pretty suer i will need help some more, because everything is finalised so late, in addition, my work is little. I dont smile.
God what a nonsense.

I miss my name though, and i guess its the friends around you that reminds whats your name.

No sorry, only acquaintances remind you your name, close friends never call you by name.
For those who are close, try recalling when i call you by name. Reciprocation is the best tool at hand.

I watched spiderman 3. I think its super cool.
Venom. Uncle Ben. Bells. I forgive you.
I think spiderman is an extremely good show. Because i never watched any show that shows its villains that hurts, that suffers in pain, that is not cynical, that cries, that regrets.

I never watched a show that is able to map out such importance in each character. Every character is Vital to the story, without that character, the story is different. Its the first show that made me think and look at villains differently, made me appreciate each character, every.

There were cheesy lines, but i never watched an action thriller and teared before. I teared at the part where Flint Marco, Sand man...was telling spidy what he did to Uncle Ben. How spidy said i forgive you. But i didnt like the piano that came in at that part, because i was able to tear more, than i see spiderman smile. Hahaha.
Also, how Harry chose to defend spiderman from Venom. How Harry made that sacrifice, i wonder would we do that for broken friendships, for misunderstandings made, to convince that love is still there. Yes i was screaming NO!!!!

It made me see how even spiderman, a hero all together in the public's eyes, yet is prone to so much pain, and choosing to fall in and give in to the venom. Its the only show i see the hero turn evil. The only show that depicts, each character most vulnerable weaknesses, it wasnt who they are, its whats inside them, its their choice. Maybe thats like all of us. Our choices change so much of us. Somethings we may not be able to choose, and for those that we are able, how i pray that every choice was right, guess thats why we need God so much. Not because he is God as per say, but because we are humans. We are vulnerable.

God, sorry. And yes i feel your forgiveness.

Maybe, forgiving was easier than holding on to revenge, to hurt, to pain. Because Forgiving, is giving, is letting go. Its lighter that way isnt it? Your journey on is so much lighter isnt it? When you start letting go more, and more, and only chase after one. One that matters, your dream, yes your dream. When you start remembering how light it is, without so much pain, your dream becomes so much more real doesnt it?

Yes, sometimes, guys dont listen and say they understand, but the truth is they dont. I guess i stop saying i understand till i went through it.

Spiderman values marriage, where marriage is not about loving your partner only, but whether you are ready. Whether as a man you are able to put your wife before yourself. I guess thats the pain of man, putting his wife before himself, because when he does that, it really hurts a lot at times. And a real gentleman is one that chooses to still be there when his wife hurts him. When he thinks of her hurt before his.


We need God not because he is God as per say, but because we are humans. We are vulnerable. We are hurt.


Finally a meal at home! =)
I was having this random thought, guys crying.

I thought lakehouse's main character, the guy, forgot his name, depicted the best crying scene i ever watched! I almost teared i think when i watch him cry. Whee.

This is to a random close friend. Hee. Decided to be lame.
I have 5 questions for you.
Do you like cars?
Do you have an i pod?
Do you like saying ss?
Do you know anyone who starts with the name A?
Do you think you are messy in your work?

Hee...smile!
=)

OMG!!!!

My parents were rearranging the cupboards, and they stumbled upon the photo albums. These photos were taken in auzzy. AND I CANT BELIEVE IT!!! I was humongous, and i look totally huge!!! Wa my haircut was totally nonsense. I dont look like me, and i am so embarrased by those photos! Like seriously! My brother's haircut was a little more decent, but nevertheless alot more uglier than the current.
YEW!!! I was so fat. Like, yew!!! Wa you know the shirt, can show my ENTIRE tummy! GOsh.
And i look horrible because i keep posing one pose, how idiotic. So sad. I didnt look natural did i? I didnt like photos did i? Loll...
My lips spoiled the whole picture, and my eyes didnt get through! And i somehow looked so different...weird. My primary school friends were always able to recognise me, because of my eyes, and i believe that didnt change, but in the photos, there was somehow something missing in those photos...i wonder what is it. Seriously i dont know, but its missing.

Maybe all our eyes didnt change, i seen it in other baby photos. The eyes never change, maybe they spoke of something.

Jesus, i am thankful.
And i will remember your one reason for not giving up that cross.
Because you love me.

God, i experienced your love before. It makes me tear, God i want more of it. Its different from relations love. I guess your love expresses grace, you didnt have to die for me, but you did. You didnt have to leave heaven, but just all for one reason.

Jesus, maybe its so much more than one reason.
You may have loved me, but so what? So what to me?

Your act on the cross, was to prove that love, that one reason, that one hope. That unconditional grace.



I think ANBERLIN totally rocks! :D

God why do i feel so compelled? Like...i seriously want to pull the plug, like one week only what? I dont want to be prayed for. I want to go through that. I rather talk it out with you, but yeah i know i haven been talking to you, and i can hardly concentrate.

God, for every week i appear in church, i have a different reason to go. For those who inspired me, i dont want to let the inspiration go. For the decision i made, i want to keep it. For the pain i face, i want to run away. God its been so long since i did something to what i am trying to find out.

And WTH, my spine is hurting. I wonder how its like to be paralysed. I am already, just not physically.



I saw this couple french kissing on the train, then afterwards the guy said or mouth, i Love you to the girl.

I wonder, why not 'You love me', instead of i love you, like i is so self centered, why not remind yourself and your lover, that your lover loves you. So its more of receiving than giving right? I guess i feel better by knowing i received, instead of i give. Giving makes me poor, receiving makes me rich.

Alright random thought. Nothing more. Like seriously.

God i wonder, why does care collides, and turn into pain?

God i thought...pain, hurts, situations are not that scary, the change that happens after that is.

God i am finding this hard, but since i see those around me not giving up, i cant as well. Hold out.
God they are right, skip church once, and you most probably will never come back.

God why does so many of us hurt in camp comm? Yes finally i mentioned the piece that hurt so much. Camp comm. Why does of us hurt there? * To readers* Do pray for spiritual protection.

God i wonder about highlife watch night, i skipped two meetings, because i can barely bring myself to church.
God why is it so tempting to just pull the plug?
God i want to thank you for the love you shown, yes i guess i finally felt your love for me. after so many years. God if you didnt see, i know you did, but if you didnt, i teared when i shared what you did for me.

God, i forgot what is significance.
God thanks for reminding me that instead of running away from the pain, run towards my dream.
God thanks for helping me remember what Nat said, about the courage i had. And i want to have back.
God help me keep my smile!
God thank you that the only hurting piece is you, plus church, ministry, and relations. Thank you that there i am doing fine at home. At least bearable.
God i pray that you will grant strength to see things your way.
God i pray you will remove my stubbornness, but the sad thing is, i am too stubborn to let you remove it.
God i pray that you help me out with all the .... words.
God i pray that you will heal all the hurts, but i wonder will they ever really get healed? Doubting myself i guess.
God i only remembered genuine care from last week. And i thank you for that, because last week was one of the most painful weeks in my life. And i want to thank the person who showed it to me. It meant a lot to me.
God i am sorry for making you miss me, sorry for not reading your word for nearing two weeks, sorry for so many other things.
God i really wish next year i can smile with ease, to the extent, smiling has turned into my forte. God i wish i am able to snip off the emotional ties, but i got a feeling i cant. I got a feeling you want to snip it of me, but...i am wondering how.
Missing words.


God if you havent realised, i know you did, but if you havent, this post is dedicated to you. Love you God.


Maybe sometimes its better to leave your close friends far away.

Stop talking to them for a few months, and then talk again.
They might just be the people who stop changing. Because you left of from where your both left of.
Even though you both might have changed, the truth is both of your havent changed in each other s eyes.

I dont know. I seriously feel like stop caring for everyone. God why did you even care about me?

I seriously feel like pulling the plug, even though i made that choice, to force myself through this shitty period. Pull the plug and pluck it into another power point. Make a second choice to revert the first.

Its like clicking refresh, but you know what you will get next, internet explorer is unable to display the web page...See IE sucks. Because you know the connection is no longer there.

I have nothing to say. What the hell.


I am starting to think, shutting up is the best. Save everyone the explanation.



When you share your problems with your friends, you divide them.
When you share your problems with Jesus, He subtracts them.


Jesus, a million reasons to turn down the cross, one reason to remain on the cross.

He chose that one reason.
He loves you.

Thanks Yu Wei. You did make it more bearable.

Thanks Alexi...

I lost my heartbeat.

I asked God for it. I stopped asking a few seconds later.

I shall fake it as Alexi puts it.

I still want to thank all who made coming to church more bearable. Even though all of you, do not understand fully. Dont blame any of your, because i would do the same as well.

I guess... Jolynn, you are right, the young ones look up to me. AND HOW I WISH YOU ARE WRONG. So i dont have to come.
Brendan, why did you ask me if i was bringing my skateboard? If not for you. I would not have come to church. I mean you are the final factor. Now...that you message me and tell me to save a seat beside me, how am i going to nit sit with the cell? I will see...But sigh, i have mix feelings.
Janel and Chai...if not for the care. Its another story....Different care in different ways.
Alexi, thanks for the advice, and the understanding. Just hang on. I forgot that. Thanks for the reminder. The more than needed reminder.

Delirious - hang on to you.

God make that song stick to my head, please, because i need the lyrics in there.


And for the person who i am going to sit with later, i hope i am able to thank you in advance. Make things bearable for me. Thanks


God where did my destiny go? How i wish i dont have to be prepared for something great. WHAT NONSENSE. I feel like throwing things at the statement. Tkae a skateboard and smash it, take a silver tray and crash it. I am glad i did not contemplate knives and forks.

God if you are going to make me go through so much pain, i really hope its going to be something great, God dont disappoint me, i know i am the servant, but God i cant take this. Shit i can, because your grace is sufficient. Right now i did beg that its not sufficient, so i can say i cant take this, because I DONT WANT TO FACE IT, EVEN THOUGH I PICKED OPTION 2. To bleed to death.
GOD why must your grace be SUFFICIENT? WHY CANT IT BE ABUNDANT? I know it is, and never ending, but why SUFFICIENT!!!?

I lost myself, someone remember me. Someone believe me. No keep believing. Because your belief does not change a thing now, because your belief does not change mine. But preserving that belief of me, is returning me and keeping what i lost.


Option 2 it is. So many F*** words. I need a proper filter for the brain. I think mine has turned faulty, corrupted system occurred. Please Update system.

I guess i picked option 2, i am waiting for the day of salvation, the day i step out of this shit. Of this nonsense. Of this Burning furnace.

Option 1: Run away from all the pain at hand, just run as far as you can.
Option 2: Run towards it, face it, and bleed to death, bleed till your emotions run dry, you stop feeling, you stop thinking, enter into spiritual coma. Die under the hands of my creator.


God...everyone hurts, but you hurt the most, and you heal the most as well. I just dont want to talk to you. I know God you miss me, i know you await me, i am awaiting as well. But i am not ready. Not anytime soon? If its going to be soon, its going to be fake. I am not going to appologise for not being able to hold out.

Ya, the young ones look up to me, was i being fake all together? Did i care too much? Why did everything fall so fast? Why does it happen in exponential rates? <- Maths.

It hurts to hit the bottom

I think if only i have fought them.

RELIENT K - WHEN I GO DOWN.


I cared too much. God how irritating. Why was it always my strength and not yours? Why do i never get that concept right?
I dont mind fasting 2 days straight, just to get that concept right....No i mean constantly apply it.


Vision 500 - Thank GOD if i am still in that 500 when the vision comes to past.


I pray i dont change too much, i pray i still retain tihs part of me which i dont want to lose.

God its so hard! Thats because i am stubborn!

For all who wants to understand me, and help me. Please remember what is written in the posts. I dont like repeating why it hurts, its quite dumb you know.,,

Like ask a raped victim...How Did he rape you? Why did he rape you? How were you rape?
How long was it? WAS IT NICE? Why, why why?

RETARDS! Wake up the idea...you dont ask questions, you find clues not from the victim, but from elsewhere, INFER! INTERPRET. Stop giving excuses that you cant read my brain, i am kind enough to post here, so be a bit more resourceful and just read the posts. I dont think i am evil enough to use mathematics to express my thoughts and emotions. I did that a few times, but not here. Not that bad. I could have been evil and just shut up all together, as promised by one of the previous post.

Think about what concerns me, think about randomness, i dont specific or give value to the issue or the subject at times, so use these clues.


I find brokenness.


I am repeating myself, i have not changed, its this part of me which you all never see before, i seldom see it as well. Where bitterness of the tears is mixed with bitterness from the heart.



Shit i am going church.

Insignificant.
Insignificant.
Insignificant.
Insignificant.
Insignificant.
Insignificant.


Thanks Ronald for keeping me sane, But i couldnt hold out the last minute.

Enjoy your cab...i shall sit and wait for the bus.


Things to note when i am about to cry.
I stop walking all together.
I drag my feet.
I purse my lips.
I keep blinking.
I withdraw myself from the group.
I keep frowning.
I look so ugly.
I stop talking.


You cried wolf
The tears they soaked your fur
The blood dripped from your fangs
You said, "What have I done?"
You loved that Lamb
With every sinful bone
And there you wept alone
Your heart was so contrite

You said, "Jesus, please forgive me of my crimes
Sanctify this withered heart of mine
Stay with me until my life is through
And on that day please take me home with you"



I kept singing this line, Blood drip from your fangs...Sanctify this withered heart of mine...

Thanks for all the cab conversations. Thanks for all the pain being amplified.
Thanks for letting me know i go home in the other direction. Thanks for reminding me that i go home ALONE!!!
Thanks for reminding me that i am a social out cast. I am insignificant. I am useless. Thanks...i guess i made the wrong choice. I just got myself into so much pain without even knowing. God if i am so insignificant to you, why did you even bother saving me? Get lost la...

God why did you bring me through this pain? I so want to take back the words i said. God i so want to run away. I am. Yay! I am going to run away. I am going to run so far, that i dont have to face up to all this F***ed up shit and pain.

God why were there so many f*** words in my head? Why did i even ran a wiki search on it? God how f***ed up is this!

God why do you purposely bring me through this pain? You sadist! You like seeing me go through pain dont you? You like telling me i am insignificant dont you?

God i am telling you, i am not going to places where it hurts. You idiot, who in the right mind does that? Yeah Jesus again. I am not Jesus!

God, you know it yourself, i stop believing you. Your words make no sense, you are ridiculous. I numbed myself, God.


The only line i hear from God today, " Son you are handling the pain very well."

F*** you....like walau.


Sigh....God why do i see so many tears rolling down my eyes? God why? Why!!!??? GOD WHY!!!!!!!!

I so want to throw everything in your face God! I so want to grab anything within my grasp and throw it in your face! God you stink! Why do i hurt so much?
God its so unreal. I made you unreal.

I am so much like a kid raising his fists against his parents, against those who draw lines to protect, not to limit. God this is my sane brain. You should know what i mean.
I know what you are doing, but i can hold no longer, I am PULLING THE PLUG.

God how i want you to take back your words. That you admire me, that you are proud of me. CAUSE I AM NOT! God...why are you still here? God will i ever get the day to scream?

F*** I ALMOST CRIED AGAIN! F*** F*** F*** Why does every (a o) meeting HURT SO BADLY? GOD i know you are secured, I AM NOT! God i cant hold out anymore. Anymore and i am throwing away the plug.


God why is my brother in this?

Why does it have to HURT SO BADLY!!!! F*** la!


God catch me. God i so need you. But i cant find my way back anymore. I hurt so much trying to find my way back. GOD WHERE AM I!!!?

( a e ) be here please. Stay...




I cant believe this, i can feel the tears in my eyes as i do the minutes.

Pushed too far. And my thuoghts are amplifying the effects.

I kept looking at my phone today. I was expecting something that would never come.
Hope was meant to be found. I guess i no longer find hope, but a new hope.

Who is going to catch me God? A human being please. No one. Thank you. I know i am picky and stubborn, still no one...


Shit. Half crying thanks to minutes. I hate this!

I dont want to go through this year again. Its too painful. One of the worse years of my life, though i learnt a lot. Shit, the hill have eyes, please get out of my brain. Guess thats why i am not into horror, my brain is good at retaining such stuff.

Jimmy knew something was happening to his friends. Not one but a few. He took it upon himself, to be there, to care, to show love for those who he love. Loved* Maybe.

He brought a packet of tissue.

First he went to _______ ( a e )
Then to ______ ( a e )
Then to more friends.

After 5 minutes, he found himself sitting down, the packet of tissue still new and unopened.
He thought for a while, and he opened the packet of tissue, this time for himself.

Everywhere but here. I cant comprehend. Everywhere but here.

You want to really understand me now, gotta start thinking abstract. Words encoded with meanings. Constant inequilibrium.


I am starting to really hate this. I dont believe this. I feel like taking a scissor and snipping off all my relations. Because it simply hurts too much. Yes it hurts for them as well.

My destiny is my discomfort.
God i feel like throwing those words in your face now!
But i dont know where you are, No i dont know where i am?

NEVER felt more painful serving God. I never knew pain was part of the contract.
Shit man, like Jesus didnt hurt?


Asking me to smile, is one of the worse things to do. I would be living in a lie if i do so. I am not smiling, i feel worse from being requested to TRY to smile. I am trying to find something in the smile, not the smile. Yeah contradiction to the link.

Aiya, really, i am going to stop trying to find hope from those who offer. Those close. Its getting worse. I am not finding myself anywhere nearer to a higher altitude.

Tenth circle is half right. Falling down isnt as painful as trying to pick yourself up.


I had thoughts of someone else taking over my duties in my ministries. Yeah, i didnt take care of myself. See this is what happens. No...God allowed it maybe. Maybe i am selfish, there are so many reasons. But i am struggling so very hard. Like really. I want to smash stuff.

I am waiting for that day where i can scream at God. And...



Shit, i am still kinda thinking of the show, The Hill have eyes... Yes photographic memory. 10 mins into the show, and i was thinking Whose line is it anyway would be so much better. My spirit didnt feel right about it. Yew.

I wish i have a pump into my brain. Pump out all the words and filters.

Yes i wish would chase after me, i wish knew what to say. knew what it takes for me to remember things. Memories that seem so far away now. No they lost their existence as memories. 3 chases. And a dozen sacrifices.

Some people ask God, God where are you?

I will say... God where am i?


Sorry if it hurts too much.

For those who wants to try to talk to me, be really prepared. You most probably would just make things worse, and i might seriously take my considerations really seriously.
So first look at yourself. If you are under the list of to avoid at the moment, then please do avoid me.

Things might just spill over...you dont want to see that.



Be careful, for you thread on feeble grounds.

Yeah you say its scary, i think so too.
I heard too much from .... His secrets are hard to keep, and they remain locked in my brain. The consequences of deceitful knowledge, only led to more downfalls. Perception changed.

I told you its going to hurt.
My brother said this, changed people change people.
I think Hurt people, hurt people.


Maybe i shouldnt have picked up the call. These thoughts wont generate then.
My thoughts morphed, and they crippled me.

I dont disagree with backsliders any more.
My perception has just changed again, and it has grown more gray.

What is wrong to you may be fine to another set of psychological attributes.

I wonder how did all the backsliders felt when they walk out of church.
Did they walk out with tears? Walk out with anger and hatred? Disappointment? Ignorance? A mix of all?

I am starting to understand how does a backslider feels.

I still remember ____ne's Sister. I tried to ask her back to church, that was years ago. 3 years older than me...and i remember the stubbornness. I prayed and prayed for her to come back...i gave up.

How oddly familiar that stubbornness is to me now.


http://view.break.com/359232 - Watch more free videos

I shall just go traveling when i grow up.
For those who dont know. I like to visit hotels. Not the rooms, but the lobby and the whole architect.
So much for a brother who doesnt want to move house. And a father who doesnt like to spend money. Forget about snow for now. Forget about moving house. I am moving somewhere else then.

I wish i was able to move beyond Asia, and Australia, i know there are people who never get to take a plane in their whole life, but yes i wish for more. Its the constant disatisfaction in human beings that formed technology, dont you think so? Yes, curiousity as well.


Avoid all emotions.

I am confused with myself, but the truth is, i dont care.
Zero expectations.
Its okay if no one cares about me, because i dont even care about myself.

For those who want to care, be prepared to get hurt. So my best advice is dont care about me. Second best advice, if you are going to care, you have a few things to achieve, break into my brain, get me to be authentic, speak to me on something i never heard before, provide another perspective, and most importantly, convict me. I guess trying to convict me is almost impossible, because if its going to be me convicting myself, i most probably refuse to do so.

To all who care, i am sorry to say this, its not your fault, i know where you are coming from, but can you all stop asking me if i am better, because every time you ask me, i feel worse, because, i am not feeling better. I am not blaming anyone, really, just try something different. Please dont feel blamed. No point, because i am not blaming.

Randolf told me two things...I knew the first, second was new. I am hardly convinced, but the second point, yes i am a bit i guess. Convince = i agree, and i will try to change my thinking. For all who doesnt understand what i just wrote, dont bother. For those who want to think more, and misinterpret, i have nothing to say. Because most of your have no idea what i am thinking, so please, i implore you, dont bother. Ah never mind.

1. Titles does not matter, what matters is how God see you. A delay is never a denial.
2. Never share your emotional problems with the girl you like, you only make things worse, and her purity is at jeopardy. Even when you miss her, or am tempted to say i love you, you should not at all. Self control. Every phone call is a spiritual burden to her. Of course for all girls who read this, it applies to guys as well i guess. Another thing, you should not plan about marriage or whatsoever, because you are speeding things up, God has a plan for the both of your, so why plan?

I am saying this because, firstly i am too lazy to switch accuonts. Secondly, i think its something new, and you all should know this, it is difficult, but its better. *To those who it may apply. I am saying this more for everyone than for myself.


I guess i am remaining silent, even here. At least i wont talk here.

Its not that you dont know me. Its just that you never seen this part of me. To no particular person. Like seriously.

Silence is my friend =)

No, my answer is no.

I almost cried twice this week.
I cried once.

Thanks Randolf.
I dont know if it took you courage to pray for me, or how you felt before you pray for me, but i still want to thank you. That prayer meant a lot to me.
And i am glad you read the signs and took action. Maybe because you sat beside me and read what i wrote. Was more than obvious i needed it. I mean even joachim can tell.
Oh thanks for all those who showed concern about my well being. Appreciate it.
I will forget the words you say (another person) and remember the essence of it. As expected almost everyone didnt understand how i felt, as expected, all the answers were trying to comfort me, but it only brought more pain, because people didnt understand.

Randolf, its been years since someone prayed such a significant prayer for me, the right prayer at the right time, at a weird junction. I was smiling and grinning to myself on the irony of everything you said initially in the prayer, i was objecting to everything you said, i didnt believe when you did. But when you hit...Crying out for spiritual restoration...i just broke down i guess. I didnt want to hide my feelings.

Been hiding all this while.
I want to cry in camp. God thats a request, it isnt a wish. Because i forgot how it felt like crying when i am being prayed for....until today.

A thousand things to complain about.

Tired!!!
Pok! Broke! Bankrupt. Financially in need.
Mum, its either you cook, or you give me more money, apparently i am not getting both.
Not blaming you, but please, dont leave your son here to die.
The last time i ate a meal at home was three weeks ago. The second last time was 5 weeks ago. Oh let me rephrase it, the last time you cooked...for the family. Know you are busy and all, but yes i miss your cooking, not on the reason its nice, but on the reason that i am in need of money.
Starting to think the fridge is redundant all together.
I dont exactly look forward to meals at home anymore, because its erm...not very tasty, but i guess its healthier.
I've been going down to the east for 6 days straight.
I am reaching killer stage!!!! KILLER.
I got another 4 more days to go.
Traveling is a waste of time.
Oh one of the best gift anyone can give me, i mean this!!! Is you come all the way down to my house, understand my pain, and give me a gift or something. Like seriously, i remember every soul that gives me a ride home.
Pastor Joyce, not exactly counted because she stays nearby, so is Sue Juen, and everyone living in the west.
But I remember the day Ian's dad...drove all the way down to my house for me. Ern too. Its been years for Ian's dad case, but i remember. And i remember them better than gifts from people.


I seriously hate people who complains about going home when their house is at tampines. They are asking for a slap, and i am tempted to give one at times.
Erm let me ask, do any of you understand my pain? If you do, please raise your hand.
Oh i seriously loathe the idea where i am still on the bus home, and people are at home sleeping because they live nearer. Yes...sometimes i feel like killing them...not literally all together, but yes, i loathe that idea.
I hate it when things are dragged back till the last minute. SO CAN YOU ALL START ON TIME!!! God has been gracious many times. But Erm GUYS!!! I've met occurrences where i reach home at 1 before...when that happens, its either i walk home, usual case, i get fetched, rare case, or i take taxi home, FOUND GOLD BAR case.

Hey, today on the way home, i wished i was at home when i was in outram park. Oh for those who dont know, can go look at the mrt map. Oh please dont count the stops only...to Bukit Batok, do your maths and find the amount of time taken to reach here. Add another half an hour for busing home. Consider factors like, standing up...

Oh i am hating tomorrow s meeting, i wish i dont have to go.
Too many meetings, and too many things to complain.
There are days i am praying to get out of the house, and now i am praying to be in the house.
I feel like ponning church again.

Like...you know i dont feel like going home sometimes. AIYA stupid man, my parents dont let me stay overnight! You know sometimes at pasir ris, i just want to just sleep on the streets because i am too tired to go home. Yes its tiring going home, because the journey itself is a killer, like you have to keep waiting to reach home, plus...keep thinking. I am too tired to read when i am going home. Reading on the train is like a total spoiler, because there are too many distracitons. Oh, i dont understand why people always think there are seats on the train. When people try to comfort me and say sleep on the train la...like erm...excuse me, the fantasy train you have in your head, only happens in your head, face reality man, i dont always get seats. So i dont always sleep. Listen music...like hello, listen to music for one and a half hour? Oh not forgetting, 3 hours a day, 10 days in a role kind of thing? That makes 30 hours. You get my point, if you dont, you are just totally heartless, with no feelings. Sorry for shooting at you. But you know what i mean.

I just remembered, cause i just sneezed, i am slightly sick. Soar throat too.
I am feeling super tired, i dont want to go to any meetings anymore. I feel like calling up my leaders and tell them give me a break. I am DYING! Dont think that is possible. So i am considering ponning on saturday, but its the stupidest day to pon.
Oh no i forgot to mention, my fares are a killer as well! Erm for your info, bus stamp 52 bucks a month. Thank God i bought that, i am still broke anyway. 3.50 bucks back and forth from the east, only for mrt. multiply by ten days. Yes you get my point.

I am starting to think, my situation is as bad as some Africans who travel 10 km to church...

I can go on forever, but i am stopping here.

I never had a funnier meeting in my life. I laughed till my abs pained. This is Highlife Watch night publicity meeting. Yup...lame and spastic ideas. I like the way things are done here. Though we have many differing ideas, everyone gets to speak up. The leader is motivating us. The leader watches out for us, and makes sure we are kept happy, and smiling =)
And its just fun because jokes are cracked all through the meeting. Ideas explode here.

I liked the video, even though the ants came and invaded us, ops i mean we disturbed their place of stay. Its pretty professional. Like story boarding was done, focused, fun, short, simple, sweat. Learnt many techniques, camera angles, lighting consideration. Exaggeration of movements, flowof ideas. Like really, learnt alot, not only that, i got to know everyone a lot more better. And how we face up to situations. Yup.

Three things i want to thank for.

1. Thanks Chai, for keeping me sane, on the way home, for letting me vent out my fustration.
2. Thanks for the 4 hour phone call =) and God for allowing that to happen =))
3. Thank you God, for telling me to run on, when i feel like sitting down. For being here to refresh me, and helping me lean on your strength, when you HAVE ALL THE RIGHTS TO TURN DOWN MY call for help. So thank you God.

Oh, what makes you think you have the RIGHT to ask God to help you? Whose the servant? Whose the master? Sometimes God purposely say no, because you might have forgotten whose the master eh...

Someone buy me a house at pasir ris.