i just cried. i just lost myself to my tears. i cried and cried. till my face was wet with tears. my fingers wet with tears. my eyes hurt. my throat hurt from screaming and wailing. and all in that time i wish someone would save me from my tears. i didnt bother if it was giogn to be real or not anymore. saliva that dripped down i didnt bother either. i just want God to know its me, its me crying, its finally me crying. i lost the strength to cry. i purse my lips. God its not over. God when can it be over? i kept thinking i am weak for crying. but the truth is its really beyond me. its beyond what i can bear. i keep thinking if jesus cried as badly as i did? how did he find the strength to tell God that by God s will, and not by his own will. i keep thinking i cant be like jesus.
God i know, when i ask where are you, i felt you touched my shoulder. i dont know if it was literal. if it was really there physically, ut God i know you touched it. i know you are here. but God why are you so cold to me? why are you the most insensitive among every entity that has breath? WHY!!! dO you simply tell me to face it with strength? why does it seem to me you lost your feelings for me, even though i know you havent. God maybe you want me to do this strong, but God its really beyond me.
i never cried like this in my life before. the most was tears. but this time i stop holding back, i made use of the opporunity to cry out, since i felt real crying out.


God did you purposely pick me so that you can display oneness? It seems a bit evil. but looks like you are God.
God i still dont expect you to restore me in camp. Even though i hope for it.
God did you say that to Jesus? Face it with strength? Crying helped. i Feel stronger now.