So much for vision 500 in my previous posts, here s more about thoughts of me.
I feel like i am beyond burnt out. Yeah burntout3. I feel like i am dying, died and still dying.
I feel submerged under water, while i look at everyone feel in the skies with the vision 500. I dont feel part of the vision, i feel forgotten. Yeah its perspective, but so what if i can see it? I am so not convinced...Erm i know i am not, but i feel that way? See? So many times its never how much you know, its how you feel. What you know does affect how you feel. So its time to hit the right thoughts. A risky brain operation.


I am glad cell sharing was nice yesterday. There are so many thoughts that never lands up here. You know out of all this pain, i know the answers i would tell myself i am the one who is trying to help the one in pain. And Shit, i went through extreme pain once, and i know my thoughts for it. And i know the kind of thoughts i can have, hang on. Dont give up. You are more than a conqueror, i believe in you. YOU CAN DO IT! You are so much more worth than this. Even thoughts on my thoughts *second thinking, i have answers to rebuke my own inadequacy, my own pain, thats because i went through it once, but its so different when you are in pain. I know i may raise my fist against God now, i know i will turn back when i am out of this place and say God thank you, i dont mind going in again and grow more as i get out of it. God i hardly feel any more pain. I guess its drifting time. I know that feeling, i hate it very much. To just sail through life. Yes, i forgot my dream, its a fantasy to me, its ecstasy.

I am apprehensive of camp, actually i considered not going even after i pay. I dont want to be standing there not worshiping God. I dont want to be reminded i am in camp comm. A place i felt forgotten. You, yes you, please dont come and tell me its my perspective, when you dont even feel my pain. Actually i feel sadden by you, never knew you would not have found out why am i hurting so much. Hey, my pain is 10 times beyond just camp comm. I fought hard not having to put up those two words in my blog, i didnt want to pull it all down, guess i just did. So remain hiding? Or be real?
Never mind, i will just place the blame on your exams.


Yeah joshua, i remember i brought you into megalife, if you are reading this. Yong sheng you too. Maybe before vision 500 comes, people should start learning how to assimilate others into megalife, learn to sit with newcomers, talk to them. BUILD RELATIONS LA! Sigh...so much for FTV. Sometimes i seriously feel the whole megalife lost themselves while fighting so hard for vision 500. Yes i remember my heartbeat for megalife, to learn to assimilate people into megalife. I used to have that vision at...sec1? I forgot. I guess the words in bold, i spoke them once, at sec1? Yeah sec1, before church went under big renovation.

I wonder if anyone out there is praying, its okay if you dont, because i havent been. I havent been doing quiet time for the past two three weeks. Its not like how you think. I guess...
I seriously wonder about my spiritual condition.

You know i hate it when after a high time of worship, or prayer, everything just drops down again? I thought so many times to myself, so after praying half an hour for me, nothing happened? Like the pain never gets removed, i know its not overnight, i am still in pain what? God still havent got me out of here what. Maybe you should not pray for me in the first place then, because you offered hope that came crashing down. The more pain i go through, the more i understand others now. I look at so many people going through their teen years, going through their spiritual life, and i tell myself, sometimes i tell them. Been there, felt it, done that.
I seriously wonder, is it me? Or is it God? Like why...am i stuck here in this pain for so many months, in this dry and arid place for so many years? Sometimes i wish i didnt have to raise my hand for certain alter calls. For those who have not had it easy we want to pray for you...raise your hands. Sigh...Those alter calls arent pleasant, reminded you are in pain...
I remember leader's camp, i was the first among the four to raise their hands, those that havent had it easy for the past year, or years. I wish i could be like those that didnt raise their hands, I am so not proud to raise it.

Things i still can thank God for, i have food, clothing, parents who dont pick so much on me. A nice brother, who doesnt really talk to me. Nice still. Friends who do care, but sometimes somehow in a weird fashion, i kinda wish they dont, because it reminds me i am in pain. I wish they do, because they are here for me, and it means a lot to me. But i am in so tired, i dont want to be reminded any more.
Its been two months ago since i wanted to stop coming church.


My mum thought that i am going highlife camp because i just needed to kill time, i got so many things i want and can do which i find it hard to do now, instead of going highlife camp. I felt i have so much a better chance to get ministered there instead of ONE camp. But yes worship, i dont want to go anymore. Save the money. Final decision...dont go highlife camp. Wanted to till my mother thought of me that way. Affected? Maybe...but i guess i rethink my thoughts...makes it different now.