I'm changing church...
Or is it...I'm leaving church...

Both sentences imply different meanings...
I wonder which am i holding. My pain and struggle suggests the latter, my simple faith holds on to the formal.

God why is it all so painful?
God its not that i am running out of this place with arms stretched out screaming freedom.
I am pulling my legs across the floor, weighing heavy, lacking clarity and assurance, having lose security...
God i am leaving this place with tears pouring down my cheeks, the sleeves coming up just in time to prevent the tears from falling off my cheeks. Leave no trace.

God, why is there so much...so much pain? God is it just my perspective? Is it just everything?
God why must i share and say i grew through struggling? Why cant i say like what they said? I received, i'm refreshed, i found something new, i learnt something from God. God why? Why?

Why must it all be struggles? God why am i still in wilderness.
I keep walk and walking, but i never get out of this wilderness, i just find myself in another.
God i feel so lost. I feel so vulnerable...i feel so alone. My social circle can change all they want, i know i only have you, i know you havent left me alone, thank God, thank you, but God please grant rest to your servant? Remove...no God...not my will but yours...but its so hard to even utter the words Jesus uttered. God i know might be running away...but God wont you stop chasing me away then? Or am i setting you up here? Just like Adam set you up...

God...how do i face my broken pieces? Every time i try to pick it up, i see someone coming along and taking whats in my hands and breaking it all together one more time.

God how do you want me to face up to this? God how???!!!

God i pray that i wont keep tearing. It s not nice.


God i feel so alone...




Wont you come sit beside me?
Offer some warmth you have.
To lean on a shoulder to sleep.
To whisper in my ear that...

God help me in this. Please take away...God i dont even know if i can ask you to take away?... Jesus...


God its too much for me...i pray you help me do this.

How long will these tears wet my cheeks?