During Chem SPA, i...i...i felt like crap...one of those days where you have no idea what the teacher was saying...i mean i knew the technical terms, but nothing seems to make sense. I was hungry, and i was thinking, when i add both together, i am more or less mentally handicapped.

Wayne turned to me and said, "What if i retain?" and returned to his work...
His words may have been random...but it set a really dark gloom over me.

The more i thought about it...the more...i felt...

An impending reality looming over me, fear sets in. Menacing in its nature, and cruel in its manners.

I dont want to retain due to 3 major reasons.
I've used up one year, if i retain...i would lose approximately 60000 bucks.
I dont want to feel incompetent. I know i wont be able to accept reality if i get retained. I can picture myself jumping off from the roof...and no i dont want that to happen...
And one personal underlying reason...which i will not disclose.

Its a good and bad thing that my brain is quite saturated with what i want to achieve for A levels.

Uncontrolled fear leads to impaired hearing of Gods word.

I'm giving up my dream for H3, i rather use my time for other stuff, like doing the crazy stuff i have been thinking of...
I am now convinced by Jill, "...in Innova, to get straight A s consistently is more than the norm."
Agent HH, showed the class the stats for this years results, totally disgusting...and by the looks of it...lets not talk about it...lets just mug yeah?

For those who have been pressurizing me for this week, yes it paid off.


Two quotes hit me hard for this week...
"If your life is worth living, it is worth recording."
"If you do not own the show, the show will own you."


I dont expect a lot from a birthday, but i guess it will be the turning point of this year...a goodbye to my happening life and a greeting to a focused mugging life. I have a lot of wishes in my life now, most can only be achieved in the next decade of my life, i guess i think far, and yes in ambitious leaps...


My God
My Promise
My Dreams


But one wish stood out amongst the rest...shining? Stark in its outright nature? But it sure isnt frivolous...in fact rather haunting...at least for now. I've been wondering should i keep it...or let go of it? I've reached a decision a few weeks ago, but i guess it isnt a decisive one...because it isnt settled.
I learnt having to keep my wishes and dreams kept to a minimal is a challenge to me.